笑话哦本文目录一览：
让人目瞪口呆的英语笑话
让人目瞪口呆的英语笑话大全
@纪西西Baby：第一次出国住酒店要续住，得说一个“我想再住三天”，我就冲上去说I want to live for three more days.前台美女说 ah, you'd like to stay for three more nights, right? 我从此就学会了不是live是stay不是days是nights，老有人问英语怎么学?就这样一点点学。
【我真的～还想～再活～三两天!!】
live for three more days是再活三天的意思。
@五道口奥萨玛: 和朋友去迈阿密玩，朋友跳下车就冲到人家店里问 Can I borrow your toilet? 店主一头雾水反问：what are you going to do with my toilet?
【艹马桶狂魔】
Can I borrow your toilet?意为：我能借走你家的马桶吗?
要借用厕所的话，说Can I use your bathroom?就行了。当然，有语法洁癖的会用May I。
不过无论Can I还是May I，toilet在美式英语中都不是厕所，而是马桶。
@JEFFFF_C： 有次住家问我在哪我说I m in the toilet...住家问迷茫的回了我what re u doing in the toilet? Swim?
【猜火车】
其实想说的是in the bathroom。in the toilet就是进马桶了。
toilet其实就是坐便。而我国常见的蹲便叫squat toilet。曾有一位美国朋友跟我诉苦，刚来中国时用不惯squat toilet，憋了好几天…
@谷大白话: 大学时，学生会为迎接来访的外国教授打出横幅“Professor Cooper, you are welcome!!!”
【膝盖粉碎的教授】
You are welcome是不用谢。欢迎到我校访问该说Welcome to our school!
许多人问这教授是不是叫Sheldon...
@肉肉lin：上课走神被老师叫起来回答问题，喷出一句：what's your problem?
【来自东北的你】
What's your problem?是说：你丫啥毛病?你丫想咋地?
下一个镜头就是抄起板砖海扁老师了。
此处该说Sorry. What's / What was the question? 或简单朴实的Come again?
礼貌点可以说Pardon. / I beg your pardon. / I didn't quite follow you / understand you / catch what you just said. Would you be kind enough to repeat the question, xoxomemeda?
@Auxpow：以前有朋友刚到美国的时候，在麦当劳要吸管，说成 I want a sucker!
【麻烦给我来一杯傻比】
sucker是傻比，容易上当的二货意思。
如I can't believe those suckers really buy that shit! 没想到那群傻比连这当都能上!
也可以作为一种口头禅，类似北方方言的这逼那逼。就是指某人，没啥实际意义。
如Get that sucker over here! 把那逼给我找过来!
或者指某物，相当于“这逼玩意”。
比如布什总统2008年访问某工厂时，站在他们生产的除草机上说了句「Crank this sucker up. 」把这逼玩意开起来。
@青蛇尾巴噼里啪：听说过进诊所说，I'm on fire
【我滴热情～好像一把火～】
想说滴是发烧吧，I have a fever. I'm burning up.
对于不会翘舌音的朋友来说就是 I'm so horny.
on fire要么就是真的着火了，要么就是说你像火一样激动兴奋，状态高涨，势不可挡。
比如打篮球时人品爆发，两分三分各种进球，过人上篮各种无敌。
大家就可以说Dude, you're on fire!
@快宣太医皇上羊水破了：最开始我在穿衣服我就说I'm wearing clothes住家妈妈说do you mean you're changing up?我才会说的
【国王的新衣】
-- I'm wearing clothes!
-- Indeed. Aren't we all?
wear表示的是穿着。穿的过程是put on/ get dressed。换衣服是change。
所以各种颁奖礼走红毯时主持人问明星Who are you wearing?不是说你正在穿谁，而是问你穿的是谁家的衣服。
wear也可以是擦化妆品，擦香水的意思。比如梦露那句经典的I wear nothing but a few drops of Chanel No. 5 in bed.
@小呆鹿：在NZ时不会说手机充值，弱弱的.问店员I want to put money into this cellphone
@nk_usually:是呢，想起第一次买手机充值卡，特别笨拙地跟店员说想 refuel money to my phone, 人家说 oh you mean top-up your mobile。
【充多少?充满!】
给手机充值可以说top up, refill, add minutes, add credit
@Fishlee919：听到过一个好笑(三俗歧义)的，坐出租车快到边说 Can you get me off here? 司机瞬间傻眼。
【弄出来!】
get off的三俗意思是使人高潮。
举个彪马叔吐槽Kim Kardashian的例子：
彪马说Kardashian她爹当年为OJ辛普森辩护是Starting the Kardashian tradition of getting black men off! (开创了他们家帮黑人“弄出来”的传统)。这里的get off是双关。一个是说让辛普森逍遥法外get him off the hook;另一个就是Kardashian专搞黑人get them off。
@marshmallow_orion：跟同学上课前闲聊，她来了句oh i like your boots我好慌张又好羞涩的说，oh thanks...they are natural...擦，我以为她说我喜欢你的boobs
【literally】
还记得我之前推送中提到的literally使用问题吗?
@阿球阿球笑一笑：说到这个。第一次在外面想吃牛排，扯着脖子跟人家要beef,beef…结果上来一大盘不加盐的水煮牛肉片子，后来仔细看菜谱才知道应该叫steak的。
【金粒门】
我也遇过把“给我来点汤”(soup)说成“给我来点肥皂”(soap)的。基!情!四!射!啊!
最令人发指的餐馆奇遇是一个哥们想说“给我拿菜单来”(Give me the menu)。结果犯了中式英语乱加儿化音和乱读重音两大错误，活生生把menu说成了manure(给我拿米田共来)……
寻找英语笑话
1：巨蛋拆除公司（注意：[1]为了方便查看，“我”→这个“人称代词”主格一律用大写。[2]里面是纯正的美式口语，可能不一定符合我们的阅读习惯。）
①、叮咚。
呆伯特：“狗伯特，去开门看是谁？”
（1）、Ding Dong.
Daibote：“Dogbert， see who's at the door.”
②、工人：“嘿，我是‘巨蛋拆除公司’的，我奉命派来拆除这栋房子。”
（2）、Worker：“Hi. I’m from the ‘Big Ball Wrecking Company.’ I have a work order to de-stroy this house.”
③、狗伯特：“你好像走错了，这儿是核桃大街，核桃街是在另一头。”
（3）、Dogbert：“Looks like you have the wrong address， this is Walnut Avenue， Walnut Street is clear across town.”
④、工人：“真不巧！我没工夫老远开到那头去。”
（4）、Worker：“oh phlegm! Idon't have time to drive way over there.”
⑤、工人：“那我就把这房子铲平，你看不会太打扰吧？”
（5）、Worker：“Wouid it be a bother if I just leveled this house instead?”
⑥、狗伯特：“有点不太方便，试试隔壁强生家吧。”
（6）、Dogbert：“That would be a tad inconvenient. Yry the Johnsons， next door.”
⑦、呆伯特：“什么声音这么吵？”狗伯特：“强生家好像没人在。”
（7）、Daibote：“What was that loud noise?”Dogbert：“Apparently the Johnsons aren't home.”
2：教学录像带
①、狗伯特：“这盘录像带你已经反复看了好几天了。”
（1）、Dogbert：“You've been watching this video tape over and over for days.”
②、呆伯特：“这网球教学录像带真棒，看着看着我已感到球技精进不少。”
（2）、Daibote：“These tennis instruction tapes are great， I can just feel my game improving as I watch.”
③、呆伯特：“其实，我觉得自己根本没必要上场打球了。”
（3）、Daibote：“in fact， Isee no need to actually physically play the game ever again.”
3：大布丁
①、狗伯特：“也许我该著书立传。”
（1）、Dogbert：“Maybe I should write a book.”
②、狗伯特：“不……或许我只是该读书。”
（2）、Dogbert：“Nah……maybe I should just read a book.”
③、狗伯特：“或许看看电视周刊就得了……”狗伯特：“还是看看电视，有什么就看什么，然后变成又蠢又肥的大布丁。”
（3）、Dogbert：“maybe I'll just read the TV guide……”Dogbert：“Maybe I'll just watch whatever's on and turn into pudding……”
4：伪装大人
①、呆伯特：“有时候觉得自己外表虽然是大人，内心其实是个小孩，希望没人会发觉。”
（1）、Daibote：“Sometimes I feel like a kid in an adult's body， hoping no-body notices.”
②、呆伯特：“好像一过十四岁就停止发育，开始伪装大人。”
（2）、Daibote：“It's as if I stopped maturing and just started faking it after age fourteen.”
③、呆伯特：“女人一定不这么感觉，我打赌。”妻子：“讨厌鬼。”
（3）、Daibote：“I'll bet women never feel that way.”Wife：“Cooties.”（注：cooties原意是虱子，在此是孩童间的口语，当某孩子不喜欢和另一个孩子一块玩或坐在一起时，就可以说cooties或He has cooties.）
5：给我站住
①、男售货员：“小子，给我站住！”
（1）、Salesman：“Hold it right there， fella!”
②、呆伯特：“噢！……你一定是看到我吃了‘B’走道的葡萄。”男售货员：“我只是提醒你付钱。”
（2）、Daibote：“Uh-oh…… You must have seen me eat that grape in aisle ‘B’.”Salesman：“I just want to make sure you pay for it.”
③、男售货员：“好像192磅，来之前呢？”呆伯特：“真舒服。”
（3）、Salesman：“Looks like 192pounds. What were you before you came in?”Daibote：“Happy~~~~~~~~.”
6：人鱼之斗
①、呆伯特：“好友，钓鱼不过是人鱼之斗。”
（1）、Daibote：“It's just man against fish out here， my friend.”
②、呆伯特：“只不过以我超高的智慧、设备及体力，实在有点胜之不武。”
（2）、Daibote：“Although it's a bit of a mismatch、 with my su-perior brain， equip-ment and strength.”
③、狗伯特：“哇，他还会滑水哩！”
（3）、Dogbert：“Boy， all that and he can water-ski， too.”
7：高尔夫基因
①、狗伯特：“科学家已发现使人爱上高尔夫的基因了。”
（1）、Dogbert：“Scientists have discov-ered the gene that makes some people love golf.”
②、呆伯特：“如何辨认是高尔夫基因呢？”
（2）、Daibote：“How can they tell it's the golf gene?”
③、狗伯特：“有方格图案且非常不老实。”呆伯特：“吸取科学新知，靠你，我就完了。”
（3）、Dogbert：“It's plaid and it lies.”Daibote：“I probably shouldn't rely on you for my science updates.”
找个英语笑话 回答好就追加20分
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."
Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
四个好朋友在医院里碰面了,他们的妻子正在生产.护士过来对第一个男人说:"恭喜,你得了双胞胎."男人说:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼苏达双子队的经理."过了一会儿,护士过来对第二个男人说:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜欢:"嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的董事."最后,护士跑来对第三个男人说:"恭喜,你得了2对双胞胎."男人很开心地说:"真令人啼笑皆非,我为四季宾馆工作."他们三个都很高兴,但第四个伙伴急得像热锅上的蚂蚁,咒骂上帝并用头撞墙.他们问他有什么不对劲,他回答道:"什么不对劲?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"
呵呵,一个比一个效率高.
Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together." The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,” It’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." President Bush said,” Wow! That’s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!!
拉登,一加拿大人还有布什总统走在大街上看到一盏金色的灯.他们擦了擦灯出现了一个精灵.精灵说:"我要满足你们每人一个愿望总共三个."加拿大人说:"我是个父亲我儿子将成为农夫,因此我想让加拿大的土地永远肥沃."精灵说了咒语愿望实现了.拉登看了很惊奇,他希望有座城墙围绕阿富汗.精灵又说了咒语愿望又实现了.布什总统问:"精灵请告诉我关于这座墙的事情."精灵回答:"墙厚50英尺,高500英尺,因而里面的任何东西出不来外面的任何东西进不去."布什总统说:"哇!那是座大桥耶...注满水!!!"
My Baby Swallowed a Bullet
Young Mother: "Doctor, my baby swallowd a bullet. What shall I do ?
Doctor: "Don't point him at anybody."
Notes
1. to swallow a bullet: 吞下一颗子弹
2. to point at: 对...瞄准
allybaby
Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"
两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？”
fool_fox
标题：I'm the boss
内容：The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
note:staff meeting:员工会议
Wife's picture
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martinis all night long. But you go to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
note:tavern 酒馆, 客栈
martini 马提尼酒
peek/pi;k/ n.一瞥, 匆忙看过v.偷看
美式英语和英式英语的区别而引发的笑话
Trousers / Pants：当刚从美国回来的英国小伙子赞美英国mm“Nice Pants”,这时,杯具发生了.MM还以为他长了透视眼呢……Trousers,Pants这两个单词的用法应特别留意.Pants在英国指内裤,但在美国却是长裤.在英国,长裤为 trousers.所以,当一位外国人说 Pants的时候,你要弄清楚他究竟是英国人还是美国人,不要把内裤变成了长裤哦.
Lift / Elevator：一个美国人在英国,问：“How can I get to 20th floor?”英国人说：“Take a lift.”美国人就疯了：“Ok,but who can be so strong to lift me to 20th floor?”在英国,如果你不想爬楼梯,你可以搭lift.如果你在美国的话,你就只好搭elevator了,没有人会把你抬上去的哦!
Petrol / Gas：英国小伙子到了美国搭车,说：“Can I ride to New York?” 美国人很热情,说：“Sure,my car has full tank of gas.”英国小伙子一听害怕了：“Well,no,thank you.I still want to live.”在这里,英式英语中汽油是“Petrol”而Gas是“煤气、瓦斯”的意思,怪不得英国小伙子害怕呢,他可不想坐上马上就要爆炸的“亡命之车”啊!
Film / Movie：film是英式英语,除了电影外,还有picture/photo的意思.同时film也表示“胶卷” 就是音译的菲林 movie,是美式英语,只表示电影,不能表示照片、图片等.去看电影可以用 go to the movie(美） 或者 go to the cinema(英）,但绝不能用go to the film,不然也会闹笑话的.
