笑话哦
很搞笑的冷笑话哦 !

water英美笑话(water用英语)

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英语笑话

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。

“昨天给你的钱干什么了?”

“我给了一个可怜的老太婆,”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子,”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢?”

“她是个卖糖果的。”

Nest and Hair

My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.

"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.

"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.

"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .

"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "

Notes:

(1) inform v.告诉

(2) nest n.窝;巢

(3) description n.描述

(4) encourage v.鼓励

(5) resemble v. 相似;类似

18.鸟窝与头发

我姐姐是一位小学老师。一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外 的树上垒了个窝。

“是什么鸟呢?”我姐姐问她。

“我没看到鸟儿,老师,只看到鸟窝。”那孩子回答说。

“那么,你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗?”我姐姐鼓励她道。

“哦,老师,就像你的头发一样。”

I've Just Bitten My Tongue

"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.

"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"

"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "

Notes:

(1) poisonous adj.有毒的

(2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因为我刚咬了自己的舌头。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的缩略形式。

我刚咬破自己的舌头

“我们有毒吗?”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。

“是的,亲爱的,”她回答说,“你问这个干什么?”

“因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。”

A Woman Who Fell

It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"

摔倒的女人

上下班高峰期,我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车。接近门口,一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来,没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚,仰面滑倒了。她的惯性使她接近了我的脚。我正准备扶她,她却自己爬了起来。她镇定了一下,对我挤了一下眉,说道:“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗?”

英语笑话(一)

Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?

A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.

猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢?你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢,那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤,而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧?

Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?

A: By treading on his corn?

如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物,他肯定会生气的;而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼,他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”,也有“鸡眼”的意思。

Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?

A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.

因为snail(蜗牛)的后背上总是背着一所房子,所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢?

Q: What do people do in a clock factory?

A: They make faces all day.

一看到make faces这个短语,你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀!因为除了这个意思以外,它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。

Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?

A: Keep him awake.

怎样才能不让梦游者(sleepwalker)梦游(walk in his sleep)呢?最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法,但如果让梦游者醒着呢,他的确就不会去梦游了。

英语笑话(二)

He is really somebody

-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.

-- He is really somebody. What does he do?

-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.

他真是一个大人物

-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。

-- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的?

-- 墓地守墓人。

英语笑话(三)

Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.

At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."

它们是从美国直接带来的

一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久,到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台,银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票,看是否有假。

这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦,最后实在忍耐不住说:“相信我,先生,也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元,它们是从美国直接带来的。”

英语笑话(四)my little dog can't read

Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.

我的狗不识字

布朗夫人:哦,

亲爱的,我把珍爱的小狗给丢了!

史密斯夫人:可是你该在报纸上登广告啊!

布朗夫人:没有用的,我的小狗不认识字。”

英语笑话(五)Bring me the winner

-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.

-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.

-- Well, bring me the winner then.

给我那个打赢的吧

-- 服务员,

这个龙虾只有一只爪。

-- 对不起,先生,这只肯定打过架了。

-- 哦, 那给我那个打赢的吧。

英语笑话(六)The mean man's party.

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

"Why use my elbow and foot?"

"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"

吝啬鬼请客

一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说:“你上到五楼,找中间那个门,然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后,再用你的脚把门推开。”

“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢?”

“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪,你总不会空着手来吧?”吝啬鬼回答。

英语笑话有哪些?

英语笑话如下。

A Useful Way 一个有效的方法

Father: Jack, why do you drink so much water? Jack: I have just had an apple, Dad。 

爸爸:杰克,你干嘛喝这么多水呀?   杰克:我刚才吃了个苹果,爸爸。

Father: What"s that got to do with it? Jack: I forgot to wash the apple。

爸爸:可是这跟喝水有什么关系呢?     杰克:我忘了洗苹果呗。

笑话具有篇幅短小,故事情节简单而巧妙,往往出人意料,给人突然之间笑神来了的奇妙感觉的特点。大多揭示生活中乖谬的现象,具有讽刺性和娱乐性。其趣味有高下之分。

笑话也可以是指以一句短语或一个小故事让说话者和听者之间觉得好笑,或是产生幽默感,另外一个行动(动作)型的笑话是以动作影响人的视觉及观感,而感到开心好笑。

water英美笑话(water用英语)插图

英文笑话30个

1 Such a Long Dog 如此长的狗

Once there was a blind. One day when he was walking, he stepped the head of the dog who was sleeping. The dog barked for a while. The blind man went on for miles, this time he stepped the other dog's tail, so this dog barked. The blind man had thought that it was the first dog, so he said in surprise, It's a wonder that the dog is so long.

从前有个瞎子。一天,他正在行路时踩着了一只正在睡觉的狗的脑袋,狗汪汪汪地叫了一阵。这人又往前走,这回踩着的是另外一只狗的尾巴,狗又汪汪汪地叫起来。瞎子以为还是那条狗,惊诧地说:奇怪,这只狗可真够长的。

2 Who's better stisfied? 谁更满足?

A person with six children or a person with $6 million, who is better satisfied? Why?

The person with six children of course. Because the one with $6 million wants more.

一个有六个孩子的人和一个有600万美元的人,谁更满足?为什么?

当然是有六个孩子的那个,因为有600万美元那个还想要得更多。

3 Talking clock 会说话的钟

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den(私室,贼窝) . What is the big brass gong(锣) and hammer for? one of his friends asked. That is the talking clock, the man replied. How's it work?

Watch, the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!

一个学生带他朋友们参观他的新公寓,甚是得意。那个大铜锣和锤子是干什么用的?他的一个朋友问他。那玩意儿厉害了,那是一个会说话的钟,学生回答。这钟怎么工作的,他的朋友问。看着,别眨眼了,那学生走上前一把操起铜锣和锤子,拼命地敲了一下,声音震耳欲聋。突然,他们听到隔壁墙那边有人狂叫,别敲了,你这白痴!现在是凌晨两点钟了!

4 Henry and Mary had just got married, and everybody was enjoying their wedding party. There was plenty to eat and plenty to drink, and everybody was getting very merry, when a very thin, very young man came into the room. He looked at Mary sadly and accusingly, walked slowly towards her, kissed her lovingly and said, 'Why did you do it?'

Then he walked to the door and disappeared.

Nobody had ever seen the young man before--not even Mary.

5. Some of Nasreddin's old friends were talking about the young people in their town. They all agreed that old people were wiser than young people. Then one of the old men said, 'But young men are stronger than old men.'

All of them agreed that this was true, except Nasreddin. He said, 'No. I am as strong now as when I was a young man.'

'What do you mean?' said his friends. 'How is that possible? Explain yourself!'

'Well,' said Nasreddin, 'in one corner of my field there is a rock. When I was a young man I used to try to move it, but I couldn't because I was not strong enough. I am an old man now, and when I try to move it ,I still cannot.'

6 One day a beautiful young lady went to a famous artist and said, 'I want you to paint a picture of me. How much will it cost?'

'Five hundred pounds,' said the artist.

'Oh?' said the lady. 'That is a lot of money.' Then she thought that, as she had a very beautiful body, the artist might be happy to paint her picture more cheaply if she wore no clothes while he was painting it. So she said, 'And how much will it cost if you paint me without any clothes on?'

The artist thought for a moment. 'One thousand pounds,' he then said. 'But I shall have to keep my socks on, because my feet get cold; and I shall have to wear something to put my brushes in.'

A Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. /when the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: DEAREAST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

P.S.SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

7 .AN APPOINTMENT

A man called his doctor's office for an appointment. "I am sorry,"

said the receptioist,"we can't fit you in for at least two weeks."

"But I could be dead by then!"

"No problem. If your wife lets us know, we'll cancel the appointment."

The Irishman and the Boot-maker

An Irishman once sent for a boot-maker, and gave orders for a pair of boots. When his measure was taken, he told him that, as one of his legs was bigger than the other, the boots must be made accordingly. As soon as they were sent home, he put the big boot on the small leg, and after trying in vain the small boot on the big leg. He fell into a great passion, and wrote to the poor boot-maker the following letter: "Oh! You thief! I ordered you to make one boot bigger than the other, but instead of that, you have made me one smaller than the other!"

8

Ali,who was working a long way from home,wanted to send a letter to his wife ,but he could neither read nor write,and he had to work all day,so he could only look for somebody to write his letter late at night. At last he found the house of a letter-writer whose name was Nasreddin.

Nasreddin was already in bed. 'It is late,' he said. 'What do you want?' 'I want you to write a letter to my wife,' said Ali. Nasreddin was not pleased. He thought for a few seconds and then said, 'Has the letter got to go far?'

'What does that matter?' answered Ali.

'Well, my writing is so strange that only I can read it , and if I have to travel a long way to read your letter to your wife , it will cost you a lot of money.'

Ali went away quickly.

7

.

An old man died and left his son a lot of money.But the son was a foolish young man, and he quickly spent all the money, so that soon he had nothing left. Of course,when that happened,all his friends left him. When he was quite poor and alone, he went to see Nasreddin, who was a kind, clever old man and often helped people when they had troubles.

'My money has finished and my friends have gone,' said the young man. 'What will happen to me now?'

'Don't worry, young man,' answered Nasreddn. 'Everything will soon be all right again. Wait, and you will soon feel much happier.'

The young man was very glad. 'Am I going to get rich again then?' he asked Nasreddin.

'No, I didn't mean that,' said the old man. 'I meant that you would soon get used to being poor and to having no friends.'

8

The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.

But John's brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor had examined him too. This doctor remembered the older boy's family name, so when he saw John's papers, he was surprised.

'How old are you?' he said.

'Eighteen, sir,' said John.

'But your brother was eighteen, too,' said the doctor. 'Are you twins?'

'Oh, no sir,' said John, and his face went red. 'My brother is five months older than I am.'

9

A judge was working in his room one day when a neighbour ran in and said, 'If one man's cow kills another's, is the owner of the first cow responsible?'

'It depends,' answered the judge.

'Well,' said the man, 'your cow has killed mine.'

'Oh,' answered the judge. "Everyone knows that a cow cannot think like a man, so a cow is not responsible, and that means that its owner is not responsible either.'

'I am sorry, Judge,' said the man. 'I made a mistake. I meant that my cow killed yours.'

The judge thought for a few seconds and then said, 'When I think it more carefully, this case is not as easy as I thought at first.' And then he turned to his clerk and said, 'Please bring me that big black book from the shelf behind you.'

10

When Nasreddin was a boy, he never did what he was told, so his father always told him to do the opposite of what he wanted him to do.

One day, when the two were bringing sacks of flour home on their donkeys, they had to cross a shallow river. When they were in the middle of it, one of the sacks on Nasreddin's donkey began to slip, so his father said, 'That sack is nearly in the water! Press down hard on it!'

His father of course expected that he would do the opposite, but this time Nasreddin did what his father had told him to do. He pressed down on the sack and it went under the water. Of course, the flour was lost.

'What have you done, Nasreddin?' his father shouted angrily.

'Well, Father', said Nasreddin, 'this time I thought that I would do just what you told me, to show you how stupid your orders always are.'

11

Nasreddin had lost his donkey. He was going about looking for it everywhere, and while he was looking, he was singing gaily.

One of his neighbours saw him and said, 'Hullo, Nasreddin. What are you doing?'

'I am looking for my donkey,' answered Nasreddin.

'Don't you know where it is?' asked the neighbour.

'No, I don't.'

'Then why are you singing so gaily? Usually when somebody loses something, he is sad.'

'Yes, that is quite true,' answered Nasreddin. 'But you see, I am not yet sure that my donkey is lost. My last hope is that it is behind that hill over there. If you wait a little, you will hear how I will cry and complain if it is not there!'

12

One winter Nasreddin had very little money. His crops had been very bad that year, and he had to live very cheaply. He gave his donkey less food, and when after two days the donkey looked just the same, he said to himself, 'The donkey was used to eating a lot. Now he is quickly getting used to eating less; and soon he will get used to living on almost nothing.'

Each day Nasreddin gave the donkey a little less food, until it was hardly eating anything.

Then one day, when the donkey was going to market with a load of wood on its back, it suddenly died. 'How unlucky I am,' said Nasreddin. 'Just when my donkey had got used to eating hardly anything, it came to the end of its days in this world.'

13、Who Is the Laziest?

Father: Well, Tom, I asked to your teacher today, and now I want to ask you a question. Who is the laziest person in your class?

Tom: I don't know, father.

Father: Oh, yes, you do! Think! When other boys and girls are doing and writing, who sits in the class and only watches how other people work?

Tom: Our teacher, father.

中文:

父亲:哎,汤姆,今天我跟你们老师谈过,现在我想问你个问题。你们班上谁最懒?

汤姆:我不知道,爸爸。

父亲:啊,不对,你知道!想想看,当别的孩子们都在做作业、写字时,谁在课堂上坐着,只是看人家做功课?

汤姆:我们老师,爸爸。

14、Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."

Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."

Johnson: "But I want you to."

Wife: "But why?"

Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

译文:

老农约翰逊就要死了。他的家人都站在床边。他声音低沉地对妻子说:“我死后,我想你嫁给农夫琼斯。”

妻子说:“不,在你死后,我不能嫁给任何人。”

约翰逊:“但我希望你这么做。”

妻子:“为什么?”

约翰逊:“因为琼斯曾在一笔贩马的交易中欺骗了我。”

15、A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"

一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."

求几则好笑的英语笑话

Always Thirsty

"I had an operation," said a man to his friend, "and the doctor left a sponge in me."

"That's terrible!" said the friend. "Got any pain?"

"No, but I am always thirsty!"

总感到口渴

一个男人对他的朋友说:“我动了一次手术,手术后医生把一块海绵忘在我的身体里了。”

“真是太糟糕了!”朋友说道:“你觉得疼吗?”

“不疼,可是我总感到口渴。”

A Useful Way

Father: Jack, why do you drink so much water?

Jack: I have just had an apple, Dad.

Father: What's that got to do with it?

Jack: I forgot to wash the apple.

一个有效的方法

爸爸:杰克,你干嘛喝这么多水呀?

杰克:我刚才吃了个苹果,爸爸。

爸爸:可是这跟喝水有什么关系呢?

杰克:我忘了洗苹果呀。

A Present

Kate: Mom, do you know what I'm going to give you for your birthday?

Mom: No, Honey, what?

Kate: A nice teapot.

Mom: But I've got a nice teapot.

Kate: No, you haven't. I've just dropped it.

凯特的礼物

凯特:妈妈,你知道我要给你一件什么生日礼物吗?

妈妈:不知道,宝贝,是什么呀?

凯特:一把漂亮的茶壶。

妈妈:可是我已经有一把漂亮的茶壶了呀。

凯特:不,你没有了。我刚刚把它给摔了。

The Doctor Knows Better

A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital.

His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill."

"I am afraid that he is dead." said the doctor.

Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive."

"Be quiet, " said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!"

医生懂得多

一个男人在街上被出租车撞倒送进了医院。他的妻子站在他的床前对医生说:“我想他伤得很厉害。”

医生说:“恐怕他已经死了。”

听到医生的话,这个男人转动着头说:“我没死,我还活着。”

妻子说:“安静,医生比你懂得多。”

Waste or Save?

Father: Oh, Jack, you have slept away the whole morning. Don't you know you are wasting time?

Jack: Yes, Dad. But I've saved you a meal, haven' I?

浪费还是节约

父亲:噢,杰克,你又睡了一上午。难道你不知道你这是在浪费时间吗?

杰克:我知道,爸爸。可我还给您节省了一顿饭呢,是不是?

Why Is He Howling

Dentist: Please stop howling. I haven't even touched your tooth yet.

Patient: I know, but you are standing on my foot!

他为什么喊

牙医:请你不要再喊了!我还没碰你的牙呢。

病人:我知道,可是你正踩着我的脚呀!

希望帮到你啦~^_^

英语的笑话有哪些?

英语的笑话有:

1、Tom's excuse

Teacher:Tom,why are you late for school every day?

Tom:Every time I e to the corner,a sign says,School-Go Slow.

翻译:

教师:汤姆,您为什么每一天上学迟到?

汤姆:我每次走过拐角,一个路标上头写着:学校——慢行。

2、A Useful Way

Father:Jack,why do you drink so much water?

Jack:I have just had an apple,Dad.

Father:What"s that got to do with it?

Jack:I forgot to wash the apple.

翻译:

爸爸:杰克,你干嘛喝这么多水呀?

杰克:我刚才吃了个苹果,爸爸。

爸爸:可是这跟喝水有什么关系呢?

杰克:我忘了洗苹果呀。

3、These Are My Jeans

After going on a diet,a woman felt really good about herself----especially when she was able to fit into a pair of jeans she had outgrown long ago.

“Look,look.”she shouted while running downstairs to show her husband.“I can wear my old jeans again.”

Her husband looked at her for a long time,when said,“Honey,I love you,but these are my jeans.”

翻译:

一个妇女在减肥一段时间后自我感觉特别好——特别是当她又能穿上很早以前就穿不上的牛仔裤时。她跑下楼冲她丈夫喊道:“快看,快看。我又能穿上以前的裤子了。”她丈夫看了她好一会儿,然后说:“亲爱的,我爱你。但那是我的裤子。”

4、A Monkey and a Flea

Mum: Baby, what’s the difference between a monkey and a flea? Baby: One is big and one is small.

Mum: Anything else?

Baby: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can’t have monkeys.

翻译:

妈妈:猴子和跳蚤有什么不同呢?

儿子:它们俩一大一小。

妈妈:还有呢?

儿子:猴子身上可以长跳蚤,而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。

5、Headache

"I have a bad headache. I'll visit the doctor."

"Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a kiss to my wife and the paindisappeared. Why don't you try it?"

"Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I'll be right over."

翻译:

“我头疼的厉害,要去看看医生了。”

“胡说八道,昨天我也头疼,我冲回家吻了妻子一下,马上不疼了,要不你也试试?”

“好主意,给你妻子打个电话,说我马上就到。”

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