笑话哦
很搞笑的冷笑话哦 !

看上海的笑话英语(英语闹笑话)

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英语笑话100篇+翻译

英语笑话(一)

Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?

A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.

猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢?你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢,那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤,而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧?

Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?

A: By treading on his corn?

如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物,他肯定会生气的;而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼,他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”,也有“鸡眼”的意思。

Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?

A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.

因为snail(蜗牛)的后背上总是背着一所房子,所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢?

Q: What do people do in a clock factory?

A: They make faces all day.

一看到make faces这个短语,你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀!因为除了这个意思以外,它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。

Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?

A: Keep him awake.

怎样才能不让梦游者(sleepwalker)梦游(walk in his sleep)呢?最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法,但如果让梦游者醒着呢,他的确就不会去梦游了。

英语笑话(二)

He is really somebody

-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.

-- He is really somebody. What does he do?

-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.

他真是一个大人物

-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。

-- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的?

-- 墓地守墓人。

英语笑话(三)

Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.

At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."

它们是从美国直接带来的

一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久,到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台,银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票,看是否有假。

这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦,最后实在忍耐不住说:“相信我,先生,也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元,它们是从美国直接带来的。”

英语笑话(四)my little dog can't read

Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.

我的狗不识字

布朗夫人:哦,

亲爱的,我把珍爱的小狗给丢了!

史密斯夫人:可是你该在报纸上登广告啊!

布朗夫人:没有用的,我的小狗不认识字。”

英语笑话(五)Bring me the winner

-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.

-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.

-- Well, bring me the winner then.

给我那个打赢的吧

-- 服务员,

这个龙虾只有一只爪。

-- 对不起,先生,这只肯定打过架了。

-- 哦, 那给我那个打赢的吧。

英语笑话(六)The mean man's party.

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

"Why use my elbow and foot?"

"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"

吝啬鬼请客

一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说:“你上到五楼,找中间那个门,然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后,再用你的脚把门推开。”

“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢?”

“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪,你总不会空着手来吧?”吝啬鬼回答。

英语笑话(七)Advice for "Kid"

A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,"Get the kid."

忠告“年轻者”

这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话,

千万别进退休社区。因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西,抬东西或者装东西时,他们就叫喊,“让小的干吧。”

英语笑话(八)Which woman?

One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.

On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."

My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?"

哪一位女人?

一天晚上我开着丈夫的车去购物,回来后发现车身沾满灰尘,于是擦洗了一阵。当我终于走进屋里时大声喊:“世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。”

我丈夫抬头看了看,说:“妈妈来了?”

英语笑话(九)The doctor lives downstairs

"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."

He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."

医生住在楼下

“医生”她冲进屋后大声说道。

“我想让你坦率地说我到底得了什么病。”

他从头到脚打量打量她,然后大声说:“太太,我有三件事要对你说。第一,您的体重需要减少大约50磅;第二,如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红,您的美貌将会改变。第三,我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。”

英语笑话(十)One Engine Left

A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a r esult."

Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late."

At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!"

只剩一个引擎

一架747客机正在跨越大西洋时,喇叭里传来了机长的声音:“旅客们请注意,我们的四个引擎中有一个丢失了。但剩下的三个引擎会把我们带到伦敦的。只是我们要因此晚到一小时 。” 过了一会儿,旅客们又听到机长的声音:“各位,你们猜怎么啦 ?我们刚又掉了第三个引擎。但请你们相信好了。只有一个引擎我们也能飞,但要晚三个小时了。” 正在这时,一位乘客非常气愤地说:“看在上帝的份上,如果我们再掉一个引擎,我们就要整夜都要呆在天上了。”

回答者:lovemydream - 高级经理 七级 7-5 10:08

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Logic Reasoning 逻辑推理

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yellin

g for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A girl raised her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his savings?"

逻辑推理

小学四年级的教师正在给学生们上一堂逻辑课。她举了这么一个例子:“有这样一种情况,一个男人在河中心的船上钓鱼,突然失去重心掉进了水里。于是他开始挣扎并喊救命。他的妻子听到了他的喊声,知道他并不会游泳,所以她就急忙跑向河岸。谁能告诉我这是为什么?” 一个女生举手答道,“是不是去取他的存款?”

[注]bank在英语中除了我们平时很熟悉的“银行”之外,还有“河岸”的意思。

Have You Ceased Beating Your Wife?你停止打你老婆了吗?

This story is told of a browbeating counsel,who habitually endeavored to terrorize his opponent‘s witnesses.

One witness rather tended to preface his replies with lengthy explanations.

“I want‘yes’or‘no,’”thundered counsel.“There is no need for you to argue the point!”

“But there are some questions which cannot be answered by‘yes’or‘no,’”mildly responded the witness.

“There are not!” snapped the lawyer.

“Oh,” said the witness,“answer this then:“Have you ceased beating your wife?”

这个故事讲的是一个咄咄逼人的辩护律师,他惯于尽量去恐吓对方的证人。

有一个证人有点倾向于在回答问题之前做冗长的解释。

“我要你回答‘是’或者‘不是’,”辩护律师怒喝道: “你没有必要就这个问题进行争论。”

“可是有些问题无法用‘是’或者‘不是’来回答。”这位证人温和地回敬他。

“不存在这样的问题!”律师厉声打断他。

“噢,”证人说:“那么请你回答这个问题:“你停止打你老婆了吗?”

Two Birds

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

两只鸟

老师: 这儿有两只鸟,一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子,哪只是麻雀吗?

学生:我指不出,但我知道答案。

老师:请说说看。

学生:燕子旁边的就是麻雀,麻雀旁边的就是燕子。

"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"

"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.

鱼网

"你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗,安?" 老师发问道。

"把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。" 小女孩回答道。

昨天夜里我爸妈表演“混合双打”

Teacher of Physical Education: Have you ever seen mixed doubles,boys?

体育老师:孩子们,你们见过男女混合双打吗?

Nick: Yes,sir. Quite of ten. I saw it even last night.

尼克:见过,老师,经常见。就在昨天夜里我还见过呢!

Teacher: Please tell us some thing about it.

老师:那你给大家讲讲当时的情形吧。

Nick: Oh,sorry,sir. My father always says, "Domestic shame should not be published.”

尼克:啊,对不起,老师。我爸爸常说:“家丑不可外扬。”

英语幽默笑话长篇故事

笑话第一篇(这篇若外国人看了一定会笑) Adam and Joseph were talking about their families. Adam said,"My grandfather was a very good conductor before he died" "Was he a musician?" joseph asked. "No,"said Adam,"he was struck by lightning." 亚当和约瑟正在谈及他们的家人。 亚当说:「我祖父在他死前是一个很好的conductor(conductor可作指挥,或导电体解) 约瑟问:「他是不是一个音乐家?」 亚当说:「不是,他是被雷电击中」 第二个笑话 The Bishop spoke to the congregation about the shortage of priests and nuns. "Too many of you are only having one child and letting them go off into other professions. I propose that each family should have three children: one for the father, one for mother and one for the church." A few days later, the bishop was out shopping when he saw a pregnant woman from his parish. But before he could say hello, she shouted above the crowd,"This one is yours, Bishop!" 有一个主教对他的会众说及,神父和修女的短缺。 他说:「你们当中太多人只生一个孩子,并让他们从事其他行业。我建议每个家庭应有三个孩子,一个为著爸爸,一个为著妈妈,一个为著教会。」 几天后,主教外出购物,并看到一个他教区的孕妇,在他向她问安之先,她当众大声地说:「主教,这个孩子是你的!」 ...................................................................... 1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very *** all. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, *When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah*. The teacher asked, *What if Jonah went to hell?* The little girl replied, *Then you ask him!* 2) A student es to a young professor*s office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly.*I would do anything to pass this exam, * she says.She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. *I mean,* she whispers, *I would do anything... *He returns her gaze, *Anything?**Anything.*His voice softens, *Anything?**Anything,* she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. *Would you ... study?* 你可以读的慢一点 Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for o cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered. "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are o cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" "She is the one who sells the candy." 好孩子 小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。 “昨天给你的钱干什么了?” “我给了一个可怜的老太婆,”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子,”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢?” “她是个卖糖果的。” Nest and Hair My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom. "What kind of bird?" my sister asked. "I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child. "Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her . "Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. " Notes: (1) inform v.告诉 (2) nest n.窝;巢 (3) description n.描述 (4) encourage v.鼓励 (5) resemble v. 相似;类似 鸟窝与头发 我姐姐是一位小学老师。一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外 的树上垒了个窝。 “是什么鸟呢?”我姐姐问她。 “我没看到鸟儿,老师,只看到鸟窝。”那孩子回答说。 “那么,你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗?”我姐姐鼓励她道。 “哦,老师,就像你的头发一样。” I've Just Bitten My Tongue "Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother. "Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?" "Cause I've just bitten my tongue! " Notes: (1) poisonous adj.有毒的 (2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因为我刚咬了自己的舌头。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的缩略形式。 我刚咬破自己的舌头 “我们有毒吗?”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。 “是的,亲爱的,”她回答说,“你问这个干什么?” “因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。” A Woman Who Fell It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the *** ooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her posure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?" 摔倒的女人 上下班高峰期,我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车。接近门口,一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来,没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚,仰面滑倒了。她的惯性使她接近了我的脚。我正准备扶她,她却自己爬了起来。她镇定了一下,对我挤了一下眉,说道:“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗?” 英语笑话(一) Q: What's the difference beeen a monkey and a flea? A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys. 猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢?你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢,那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤,而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧? Q: How can you most irritate a farmer? A: By treading on his corn? 如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物,他肯定会生气的;而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼,他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”,也有“鸡眼”的意思。 Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world? A: The snail. It carries its house on its back. 因为snail(蜗牛)的后背上总是背着一所房子,所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢? Q: What do people do in a clock factory? A: They make faces all day. 一看到make faces这个短语,你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀!因为除了这个意思以外,它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。 Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep? A: Keep him awake. 怎样才能不让梦游者(sleepwalker)梦游(walk in his sleep)呢?最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法,但如果让梦游者醒着呢,他的确就不会去梦游了。 英语笑话(二) He is really somebody -- My uncle has 1000 men under him. -- He is really somebody. What does he do? -- A maintenance man in a cemetery. 他真是一个大人物 -- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。 -- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的? -- 墓地守墓人。 英语笑话(三) Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience. At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America." 它们是从美国直接带来的 一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久,到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台,银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票,看是否有假。 这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦,最后实在忍耐不住说:“相信我,先生,也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元,它们是从美国直接带来的。” 英语笑话(四)my little dog can't read Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog! Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers! Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read. 我的狗不识字 布朗夫人:哦, 亲爱的,我把珍爱的小狗给丢了! 史密斯夫人:可是你该在报纸上登广告啊! 布朗夫人:没有用的,我的小狗不认识字。” 英语笑话(五)Bring me the winner -- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw. -- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight. -- Well, bring me the winner then. 给我那个打赢的吧 -- 服务员, 这个龙虾只有一只爪。 -- 对不起,先生,这只肯定打过架了。 -- 哦, 那给我那个打赢的吧。 英语笑话(六)The mean man's party. The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot." "Why use my elbow and foot?" "Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not ing empty-hangded, are you?" 吝啬鬼请客 一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说:“你上到五楼,找中间那个门,然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后,再用你的脚把门推开。” “为什么要用我的肘和脚呢?” “你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪,你总不会空着手来吧?”吝啬鬼回答。 On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf 在一个乡村路上,一警察让这个农民靠边停车,说:“先生,你意识到你的妻子在几公里前从车上掉下去了吗?”农民回答说:“感谢上帝,我还以为我聋了呢!” Boxing and Running Dan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, he left his friend, "This is a tough world, so I’m teaching my boy to fight." Friend: "But suppose he es up against someone much bigger than he is, who’s also been taught how to box." Dan: "I’m teaching him how to run, too." 拳击和赛跑 丹在教他的儿子怎样拳击。他告诉他的朋友:“这是一个粗暴的世界,所以我要教我的儿子怎么去拼搏。” 朋友: “如果他碰上的对手是一个比他高大,健壮而且也会拳击的人怎么办?” 丹:“我也会教他怎么样赛跑呢。” Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?" "A kid bit me," replied Ivan. "Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother. "I’d know him anywhere," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket." 伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问,"发生了什么事?“ ”一个男孩咬了我一口,“伊凡说。 ”再见到他时你能认出来吗?"妈妈问。 “他走到哪里我都能认出他,”伊凡说,“他的耳朵还在我的衣兜里呢。” Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand? Matthew: Very Cold, sir. Teacher: Wrong. Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen! 老师:马修,新西兰的气候怎么样? 马修:先生,那里的天气很冷。 老师:错了。 马修:可是,先生!从那儿运来的猪肉都冻得硬邦邦的。 1.When Was Rome Built? 罗马是什么时候建成的? Teacher: When was Rome built? Tom: At night. Teacher: Who told you that? Tom: You did. You said Rome wasn't built in a day. 老师:罗马是什么时候建成的? 汤姆:在夜里建成的。 老师:谁告诉你的? 汤姆:是您啊。您说过罗马不是在一个白天建成的。 2.He Knows the Answer 他知道答案 Teacher: Can you tell me anything about the great scientists of the 18th century? Pupil: Yes, sir, I can. They are all dead. 教师:你能告诉我一些有关十八世纪的伟大科学家的事情吗? 学生:我能,先生。他们都死了。 3.Where do babies e from? 小孩从哪里来? I asked my father where babies e from. He says you download them from the Inter. 我问爸爸小孩是从哪里来的,他说是从网上下载的。 4.An Essential Correction 实质性的纠正 Teacher: Walter, why don’t you wash your face? I can see what you had for breakfast this morning. Walter: What was it? Teacher: Eggs. Walter: Wrong, teacher. That was yesterday. 老 师:沃尔特,你为什么不洗脸?我看得出你今天早饭吃了什么。 沃尔特:我吃了什么? 老 师:鸡蛋。 沃尔特:错了,老师。那是昨天吃的。 5. I Don’t Feel Like Getting into an Argument 我不想争论 “Gerald,” asked the teacher, “what is the shape of the earth?” “It's round,” answered Gerald. “How do you know it's round?” continued the teacher. “All right, it’s square then,” he replied, “ I really don't feel like getting into an argument about it!” “杰拉尔德,”老师说,“地球是什么形状的?” “是圆形的,”杰拉尔德回答。 “你怎么知道是圆的?”老师继续问。 “好,那就是方的吧,”他回答说。“我真的不想和您争论这件事!” 6.Three Reasons 三个理由 Teacher: Bob, give me three reasons why you know the Earth to be round. Bob: Mum says so, Dad says so, and you say so! 老师:鲍勃,说出三条理由来证实地球是圆的。 鲍勃:妈妈是这么说的,爸爸是这么说的,您也是这么说的! 7.Who Should be Given the Present? 礼物该给谁? A father of five came home with a toy, summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present, “Who is the most obedient, never talks back to mother and does everything he or she is told?” he inquired. There was silence and then a chorus of voices: “You play with it, Daddy!” 一个有五个孩子的父亲带着一件玩具回到家里,把孩子们召集来问这件礼物应该给谁。“谁最听话,从不和妈妈顶嘴,让干什么就干什么?”他问道。 大家都不吭声。过了一会儿,孩子们异口同声地说:“爸爸,您玩儿吧。” 8.Big Head 大脑袋 “All the kids make fun of me,” The boy cried to his mother. “They say I have a big head.” “Don't listen to them,” his mother consoled. “You have a beautiful head. Now stop crying and go to the store for ten pounds of potatoes.” “Where's the shopping bag?” “I haven't got one, use your hat.” “所有的孩子都拿我取乐,”小男孩哭着跟妈妈说:“他们说我长了一个大脑袋。” “别听他们的,”他妈妈安慰说。“你的脑袋长得很漂亮。好了,别哭了, 去到店里买10磅土豆来。” “兜子在哪儿呢?” “我没有兜子——就用你的帽子吧。” 有一个外国人来到中国。一天,他路过K F C(肯德基),看见里面的客人在吃像血一样的东西,他就问:“那是什么?”服务员说:“那是番茄酱。”外国人想:原来中国人的血叫做 番茄酱。 他又路过一家鸡腿店,看见里面的客人在吃像腿一样的东西,他问:“那是什么?”服务员说:“那是鸡腿。”外国人想:原来中国人的腿叫 鸡腿。 他又路过一家文具店,看见里面有一个大得像汽车一样的橡皮擦,他问:“那是什么?”老板说:“那是橡皮擦。”外国人想:原来中国人的汽车叫 橡皮擦。 他又路过一家酒店,看见一个男的正和一个女的吵架。男的说:“ *** !”女的说:“你娘的!”外国人想:原来中国人男的叫 你娘的;女的叫 *** 。 后来,他看见了一场车祸。一个男的车撞到了一个女的车,那个被撞的女的脚上海流血了。他就这样打电话给警察: “在xx街的路口上,一个 你娘的汽车撞了一个 *** 。那个被撞的 *** 鸡腿上流了好多番茄酱......”

经典幽默英语笑话8篇

下面是我整理的经典幽默 英语笑话 ,欢迎大家阅读!

经典幽默英语笑话:The New Baby

Mr.and Mrs.Taylor had a seven year old boy named Pat.Now Mrs.Taylor was expecting another child.

Pat had seen babies in other people's houses and had not liked them very much,so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too.

One evening Mr.and Mrs.Taylor were making plans for the baby's arrival.This house won't be big enough for us all when the baby comes,said Mr.Taylor.

Pat came into the room just then and said,What are you talking about?We were saying that we'll have to move to an other house now,because the new baby's coming,his mother answered.

It's no use,said Pat hopelessly. He'll follow us there.

新生儿

泰勒夫妇有一个七岁的男孩,名叫帕特。现在泰勒太太正怀着第二胎。

帕特在别人家看见过婴儿,他不太喜欢他们,所以他对自己家里也将有一个婴儿的消息感到不满。

一天晚上,泰勒夫妇正在为这个婴儿的降生计划做安排。泰勒先生说:有了婴儿,我们的房子就太小,不够住了。

帕特恰好在这个时候走进屋,他问:你们在说什么?他的母亲回答说:我们在说我们现在得搬家,因为婴儿就要诞生了。

那没用,帕特绝望地说。他会跟我们到那儿去的。

经典幽默英语笑话:What Are The Two Words?

A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter.My dear, said the old lady,I wish you would do something for me.I wish you would promise me never to use two words.One is‘lousy’and the other is‘swell’.Would you promise me that?

Why,sure,Granny,said the girl.What are the two words?

是哪两个词?

一个非常高贵的老夫人有几句话要对她的孙女说。我亲爱的,老夫人说:我希望你能帮我一个忙。我要你答应永远不要用两个词。一个是‘讨厌的’,另一个是‘极好的’。你能答应我吗?

噢,当然,奶奶。女孩说:是哪两个词?

经典幽默英语笑话:What's your name?

A very strict officer was talking to some new soldiers whom he had to train.He had never seen them before,so he began:My name is Stone,and I'm even harder than stone,so do what I tell you or there'll be trouble.Don't try any tricks with me ,and then we'll get on well together

Then he went to each soldier one after another and asked him his name.Speak loudly so that everyone can hear you clearly,He said,and don't forget to call me 'sir'.

Each soldier told him his name,unitl he came to the last one.This man remained silent,and so Captain Stone shouted at him,When I ask you a question,answer it!I'll ask you again:What's you name,soldier?

The soldier was very unhappy,but at last he replied.My name is Stonebreaker,sirhe said nervously.

你叫什么名字?

有一位很严厉的军官在对一群交由他训练的新兵训话。他以前从没见过这群新兵,于是他开始 自我介绍 :我的名字叫Stone(石头),事实上,我甚至比石头更强硬。这就是我为什么要告诉你们我名字的原因。不要试图对我玩什么花招,这样我们就能很好相处了。

接着他开始走到每个士兵前面问他们的名字。说大声点,让每个人都能听清楚。另外,不要忘记称呼我为长官。他说。

每个士兵都对他说了自已的名字。他走到最后一位士兵面前时,这个士兵保持着沉默。于是Stone队长对他喊叫,当我问你问题的时候,要回答!我再问一遍,你的名字,士兵?

那个新兵很不高兴,但最后他回答了。我的名字是Stonebreaker(碎石机),长官。他紧张的说。

经典幽默英语笑话:No Problem

A bald man took a seat in a beauty shop. How can I help you? asked the stylist. I went for a hair transplant, the guy explained, but I couldn't stand the pain. If you can make my hair look like yours without causing me any discomfort, I'll pay you $5,000.

No problem, said the stylist, and he quickly shaved his head.

没问题

一个秃头的男人坐在理发店里。发型师问:有什么可以帮你吗?那个人解释说:我本来去做头发移植,但实在太痛了。如果你能够让我的头发看起来像你的一样,而且没有任何痛苦,我将付给你5000美元。

没问题,发型师说,然后他很快帮自己剃了个光头。

经典幽默英语笑话:

The great painter was asked, one day to paint a picture of Pharaoh crossing the Red Sea. A little while after the picture had been commenced,a hitch arose over the fee,and Hogarth found that he would have to complete the commission for about half the sum he expected. When the work was com pleted, the patron was asked to come and inspect it.As a matter of fact,the picture was just one daub of brilliant red.

What's this? exclaimed the purchaser.I asked for theRed Sea, on the occasion of the celebrated passage.

That's it,replied Hogarth.

But,where are the Israelites?

They are all gone over.

Where are the Egyptians?

They're all drowned.

一天,有人请这位伟大的画家画一幅法老王渡红海图。这幅画刚开始不久,酬金就出现了问题。霍迪斯发现,完成这幅画后,他只能得到他想要的大约一半的钱。当作品完成之后,那位主顾被请来看画。其实,这幅画不过是胡乱涂抹的一片鲜红。

这是什么?那位买主喊了起来。我要的是红海,是那次著名的航海。

这就是,霍迦斯回答说。

可是以色列人在哪儿?

他们都已经渡过去了。

埃及人在哪儿?

他们全都淹死了。

经典幽默英语笑话:人们什么时候说话最少?

Teacher: What is the plural of man,Tom?

老师: 汤姆,“男人”这个词的复数形式是什么?

Tom: Men.

汤姆:男人们。

Teacher: Good. And the plural of child?

老师: 答得好。那“孩子”的复数形式呢?

Tom : Twins.

汤姆: 双胞胎。

经典幽默英语笑话:我丈夫刚进来

The couple seated in restaurant seemed to be having a wonderful time. But as the woman glanced away from the table,their waiter suddenly rushed over.

在饭馆里坐着一对夫妇,他们看上去非常高兴。但是当那女子向旁边瞥了一眼时,服务员马上跑了过来。

“Madam look,”he said.“Your husband just slid under the table.”

“夫人,您瞧,” 他说,“您丈夫滑到桌子底下去了。”

“No,he didn't,”she replied.“My husband just came in the door.”

“不,他没有,” 她回答,“我丈夫刚从门外进来。”

经典幽默英语笑话:有两条裤子

A young man came home from work and found his bride upset. "I feel terrible,” she said. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers.”

丈夫下班回到家里,发现自己的新娘心绪烦乱。“我心里太难受了,”她说。“我在给你熨西装时把裤子的臀部烧了个大洞。”

“Forget it ,” consoled her husband. “Remember that I’ve got an extra pair of pants for that suit.”

“没事儿,”丈夫安慰她说。“你忘了我这套衣服有两条裤子。”

“Yes,” said the woman, cheering up. "And it’s lucky you have. I used them to patch the hole.”

“是的,”妻子高兴地说,“幸亏你还有一条,我后来就用它来补了这个洞了。”

笑话的英语

joke

读音:英 [dʒəʊk]、美 [dʒoʊk]    

释义:

n. 笑话;玩笑。

v. 说笑话;开玩笑。

语法:

joke的基本意思是“笑话,玩笑”,指引人发笑的谈话或故事,也指供人当作笑料的事情。可用作可数名词,也可用作不可数名词。

joke作“可笑的人、事物、情形”解时,多用于单数形式,可与不定冠词连用。

joke作动词时意思是“开玩笑”“取笑”,不仅指“言”,而且还指“行”,是不及物动词,常用于进行体。

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