笑话哦
很搞笑的冷笑话哦 !

唱歌英文笑话(唱歌非常有趣的英语)

本文目录一览:

急需简单英语笑话

The New Teacher

George comes from school on the first of September.

"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.

"I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."

新老师

9月1日, 乔治放学回到家里。

"乔治,你喜欢你们的新老师吗?" 妈妈问。

"妈妈,我不喜欢,因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。"

Excuse for Speeding

Excuse for Speeding

Harry and Lloyd were speeding down the road. A police car pulled them over.

〃Why on earth were you driving so fast?〃 the policeman yelled.

〃Our brakes are no good-so we wanted to get there before we had an accident!〃

超速的理由

哈里与劳埃德超速行驶,一辆警车拦住了他们。

“你们为什么开那么快?”警官喊道。

“我们的刹车不好,因此我们想在发生事故前赶紧到达目的地。”

A: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?

B: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.

A:猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢?

B:猴子身上可以长跳蚤,而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。

A:Which is the strongest creature in the world?

B: The snail. It carries its house on its back.

A:世界上最强壮的动物是什么?

B:蜗牛.因为它可以把自己的房子放在背上.

A: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?

B: Keep him awake.

A:怎样才能不让梦游者梦游呢?

B:不让他睡觉.

He is really somebody

-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.

-- He is really somebody. What does he do?

-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.

他真是一个大人物

-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。

-- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的?

-- 墓地守墓人。

Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.

At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."

它们是从美国直接带来的

一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久,到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台,银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票,看是否有假。

这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦,最后实在忍耐不住说:“相信我,先生,也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元,它们是从美国直接带来的。”

my little dog can't read

Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.

我的狗不识字

布朗夫人:哦,

亲爱的,我把珍爱的小狗给丢了!

史密斯夫人:可是你该在报纸上登广告啊!

布朗夫人:没有用的,我的小狗不认识字。”

Bring me the winner

-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.

-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.

-- Well, bring me the winner then.

给我那个打赢的吧

-- 服务员,

这个龙虾只有一只爪。

-- 对不起,先生,这只肯定打过架了。

-- 哦, 那给我那个打赢的吧。

One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?"

一天,有一个城市里的游客来到一个小乡村,在乡间路上开着车,想看看农庄是什么样子,也想看看农夫怎样种田过日子。这位城里人看见一位农夫在宅后的草地上,手中抱着一头猪,并把它举得高高的,好让它能够吃到树上的苹果。城里人对农夫说,"我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的,但是,这不是很浪费时间吗?"那位农夫回答说,"时间对猪有什么意义?"

Two birls

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

两只鸟

老师: 这儿有两只鸟,一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子,哪只是麻雀吗?

学生:我指不出,但我知道答案。

老师:请说说看。

学生:燕子旁边的就是麻雀,麻雀旁边的就是燕子。

The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know. So why bother to learn.

学的越多,知道的越多, 知道的越多,忘记的越多, 忘记的越多,知道的越少,为什么学来着?!

1,Two birls

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

两只鸟

老师: 这儿有两只鸟,一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子,哪只是麻雀吗?

学生:我指不出,但我知道答案。

老师:请说说看。

学生:燕子旁边的就是麻雀,麻雀旁边的就是燕子。

2. The Fish Net

"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"

"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.

鱼网

"你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗,安?" 老师发问道。

"把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。" 小女孩回答道。

3. The New Teacher

George comes from school on the first of September.

"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.

"I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."

新老师

9月1日, 乔治放学回到家里。

"乔治,你喜欢你们的新老师吗?" 妈妈问。

"妈妈,我不喜欢,因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。"

4. A physics Examination

Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.

The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?

Nick\'s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.

一次物理考试

在一次物理考试时,当同学们都还在苦思冥想时,尼克很快就答好了第一个问题。

这个问题是:为什么在打雷时,我们总是先看到闪电后听到雷声?

尼克的回答是:因为眼睛在前,耳朵在后。

还有……

The poor husband

"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.

可怜的丈夫

“你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的难,”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说,“她问我一个问题,然后自己回答了,过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错的。”

Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?

A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.

猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢?你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢,那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤,而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧?

Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?

A: By treading on his corn?

如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物,他肯定会生气的;而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼,他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”,也有“鸡眼”的意思。

Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?

A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.

因为snail(蜗牛)的后背上总是背着一所房子,所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢?

Q: What do people do in a clock factory?

A: They make faces all day.

一看到make faces这个短语,你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀!因为除了这个意思以外,它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。

Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?

A: Keep him awake.

怎样才能不让梦游者(sleepwalker)梦游(walk in his sleep)呢?最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法,但如果让梦游者醒着呢,他的确就不会去梦游了。

这个也挺好

A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"

一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟

TOM'S EXCUSE

Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day?

Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, "School-Go

Slow".

汤姆的借口

老师:汤姆,您为什么每天上学迟到?

汤姆:我每次路过拐角,一个路标上面写着:"学校----慢行。"

One girl went to the preacher and confessed her sin.

Girl: Father, I have sinned.

Preacher: What did you do, little girl¡

Girl: Yesterday, I called a man a son of a Bitch.

Preacher: Why¡ What did he do to you¡

Girl: He touched my breast.

Preacher: You mean like this¡ (The guy did it.)

Girl: (A little shy from the touch) Yes.

Preacher: Thats no reason to call him that.

Girl: But he also took off my cloth.

Preacher: You mean like this¡ (He did it again.)

Girl: Yes, thats what he did.

Preacher: Thats still no reason to call him that.

Girl: And he put his you-know-what into my you-know-what...

Preacher: (evil laugh...) You mean like this¡ (And you-know-what)

Girl: (After a few minutes...) Ugh... Yeah, thats what he did...

Preacher: My dear girl, thats still no reason to call him a...

Girl: But he had AIDS!!

Preacher: THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!

唱歌英文笑话(唱歌非常有趣的英语)插图

英语笑话10个,英语故事4个(要翻译

1.But the teacher cried

The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum. Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.

When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.

"Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? did you cry?"

"Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!"

可是老师哭了

六岁的约翰娇生惯养。他的父亲知道这一点,可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。这孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭,就是闹。他第一天上学才离开祖母的怀抱。

约翰放学了,他奶奶在门口接他并问道:“学校怎么样?你过的好吗?哭了没有?”

“哭?”约翰问,“不,我没哭,可老师哭了。”

2. I Wasn't Asleep

When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!"

"I wasn't asleep," the man answered.

"Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed."

"I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car."

我没有睡着

当一群妇女上车之后,车上的座位全都被占满了。售票员注意到一名男子好象是睡着了,他担心这个人会坐过站,就用肘轻轻地碰了碰他,说:“先生,醒醒!”

“我没有睡着。”那个男人回答。

“没睡着?可是你眼睛都闭上了呀?”

“我知道,我只是不愿意看到在拥挤的车上有女士站在我身边而已。”

3.Where is the father?

Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.

"Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"

"Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"

The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."

父亲在哪儿?

兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。

“看,”哥哥说,“这些画多漂亮呀!”

“是啊,”弟弟说道,“可是在所有这些画中,只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢?”

哥哥想了会儿,然后解释道:“很明显,他当时正在画这些画呗。”

4.The doctor lives downstairs

"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."

He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."

医生住在楼下

“医生”她冲进屋后大声说道。

“我想让你坦率地说我到底得了什么病。”

他从头到脚打量打量她,然后大声说:“太太,我有三件事要对你说。第一,您的体重需要减少大约50磅;第二,如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红,您的美貌将会改变。第三,我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。”

5.Which woman?

One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.

On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you the

most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."

My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?"

哪一位女人?

一天晚上我开着丈夫的车去购物,

回来后发现车身沾满灰尘,于是擦洗了一阵。当我终于走进屋里时大声喊:“世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。”

我丈夫抬头看了看,说:“妈妈来了?”

6. Advice for "Kid"

A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,"Get the kid."

忠告“年轻者”

这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话,

千万别进退休社区。因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西,抬东西或者装东西时,他们就叫喊,“让小的干吧。”

7.The mean man's party.

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

"Why use my elbow and foot?"

"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"

吝啬鬼请客

一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说:“你上到五楼,找中间那个门,然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后,再用你的脚把门推开。”

“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢?”

“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪,你总不会空着手来吧?”吝啬鬼回答。

8.Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.

我的狗不识字

布朗夫人:哦,

亲爱的,我把珍爱的小狗给丢了!

史密斯夫人:可是你该在报纸上登广告啊!

布朗夫人:没有用的,我的小狗不认识字。”

9.Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.

At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."

它们是从美国直接带来的

一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久,到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台,银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票,看是否有假。

这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦,最后实在忍耐不住说:“相信我,先生,也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元,它们是从美国直接带来的。”

10. He is really somebody

-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.

-- He is really somebody. What does he do?

-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.

他真是一个大人物

-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。

-- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的?

-- 墓地守墓人。

1.The Thirsty Pigeon口渴的鸽子

A PIGEON, oppressed by excessive thirst, saw a goblet of water painted on a signboard. Not supposing it to be only a picture, she flew towards it with a loud whir and unwittingly dashed against the signboard, jarring herself terribly. Having broken her wings by the blow, she fell to the ground, and was caught by one of the bystanders.

Zeal should not outrun discretion.

有只鸽子口渴得很难受,看见画板上画着一个水瓶,以为是真的。他立刻呼呼地猛飞过 去,不料一头碰撞在画板上,折断了翅膀,摔在地上,被人轻易地捉住了。

这是说,有些人想急于得到所需的东西,一时冲动,草率从事,就会身遭不幸。

2.The Goat and the Goatherd 山羊与牧羊人

A GOATHERD had sought to bring back a stray goat to his flock. He whistled and sounded his horn in vain; the straggler paid no attention to the summons. At last the Goatherd threw a stone, and breaking its horn, begged the Goat not to tell his master. The Goat replied, "Why, you silly fellow, the horn will speak though I be silent."

Do not attempt to hide things which cannot be hid.

很多山羊被牧羊人赶到羊圈里。有一只山羊不知在吃什么好东西,单独落在后面。牧羊 人拿起一块石头扔了过去,正巧打断了山羊的一只角。牧羊人吓得请求山羊不要告诉主人, 山羊说:“即使我不说,又怎能隐瞒下去呢?我的角已断了,这是十分明显的事实。”

这故事说明,明显的罪状是无法隐瞒的。

3.The Ass and the Grasshopper 驴子与蚱蜢

AN ASS having heard some Grasshoppers chirping, was highly enchanted; and, desiring to possess the same charms of melody, demanded what sort of food they lived on to give them such beautiful voices. They replied, "The dew." The Ass resolved that he would live only upon dew, and in a short time died of hunger.

驴子听见蚱蜢唱歌,被美妙动听的歌声所打动,自己也想能发出同样悦耳动听的声音,便 羡慕地问他们吃些什么,才能发出如此美妙的声音来。蚱蜢答道:“吃露水。”驴子便也只吃露水,没多久就饿死了。

这个故事告诉人们不要企望非份之物。

4.The Lion and the Mouse 狮子与报恩的老鼠

A LION was awakened from sleep by a Mouse running over his face. Rising up angrily, he caught him and was about to kill him, when the Mouse piteously entreated, saying: "If you would only spare my life, I would be sure to repay your kindness." The Lion laughed and let him go. It happened shortly after this that the Lion was caught by some hunters, who bound him by strong ropes to the ground. The Mouse, recognizing his roar, came and gnawed the rope with his teeth and set him free, exclaiming:

"You ridiculed the idea of my ever being able to help you, expecting to receive from me any repayment of your favor; now you know that it is possible for even a Mouse to con benefits on a Lion."

狮子睡着了,有只老鼠跳到了他身上。狮子猛然站起来,把他抓住,准备吃掉。老鼠请求饶命,并说如果保住性命,必将报恩,狮子轻蔑地笑了笑,便把他放走了。不久,狮子真的被老鼠救了性命。原来狮子被一个猎人抓获,并用绳索把他捆在一棵树上。老鼠听到了他 的哀嚎,走过去咬断绳索,放走了狮子,并说:

“你当时嘲笑我,不相信能得到我的报答, 现在可清楚了,老鼠也能报恩。” 这故事说明,时运交替变更,强者也会有需要弱者的时候。

唱歌的英语怎么说

唱歌的英语:sing

读音:英 [sɪŋ] 美 [sɪŋ]    

v. 唱;唱歌;鸣叫;歌颂;称赞

n. 合唱会

词汇搭配:

1、sing over one's work 边工作边唱歌

2、sing through one's nose 用鼻音哼歌

3、sing to the guitar 和着吉他唱歌

4、sing with joy 高兴地唱起来

相关例句:

1、I'm sorry that I can't tell jokes,I can't sing either

很抱歉,我既不会讲笑话,也不会唱歌。

2、I like to sing, although I don't sing well.

虽然我唱得不好,但我还是喜欢唱歌。

3、She sang the child to sleep.

她唱着歌把孩子哄睡着了。

4、The boys walked past us, singing merrily.

孩子们欢快地唱着从我们身边走过。

扩展资料:

词源解说:直接源自古英语的singan,意为诵唱。

词语用法

1、sing指以高低不同的音符发出一连串的悦耳的声响,其后一般接song或歌曲的名称。

2、sing既可用作及物动词,也可用作不及物动词。用作及物动词时,可接简单宾语、同源宾语,也可接双宾语,其间接宾语可以转化为介词for或to的宾语。

3、sing还可接以动词不定式充当补足语的复合宾语。

4、sing偶尔可用作系动词,接形容词作表语。

词义辨析

sing,hum这两个动词均含“唱”之意。区别在于:

1、sing普通用词,泛指一般的歌唱或发出悦耳的声音。

2、hum指闭着双唇而不唱出字来,低语般的哼唱。

英语笑话【短】

He Won

Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.

Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?

Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.

他赢了

汤姆:约翰尼,你小弟弟好吗?

约翰尼:他害病卧床了。他受了伤。

汤姆:真糟糕,怎么回事儿?

约翰尼:我们做游戏,看谁能把身子探出窗外最远,他赢了。

I Have His Ear in My Pocket

Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"

"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.

"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.

"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

他的耳朵在我衣兜里

伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问,“发生了什么事?”

“一个男孩咬了我一口,”伊凡说。

“再见到他你能认出来吗?”妈妈问。

“他走到哪里我都能认出他,”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”

A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。

“昨天给你的钱干什么了?”

“我给了一个可怜的老太婆,”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子,”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢?”

“她是个卖糖果的。”

Drunk

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."

"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"

醉酒

一天,父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄,老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道:“爸爸,‘醉’字是什么意思?” “唔,孩子,”父亲回答说,“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个,那么我就算醉了。” “可是,爸爸, ”孩子说,“那儿只有一个警察呀!”

Hospitality

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.

好客

由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时,家里没有奶酪了,于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿,他拿着一片奶酪回到房间,把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说:“孩子,你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪?” “在捕鼠夹上,先生。”那小男孩说。

英语小笑话

上个星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一个老美看到就笑我说, "Do you

know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著

性, 缩写正好是 Adidas) " 我正惊讶他怎么反应这么快, 联想力这么丰富时,旁边的

一个老美帮我解围, 他说, 有一个很著名的合唱团 Korn, 他们的招牌歌之一就是

A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,这个典故可是很多老美都耳熟

能详的喔! 下次就换你去取笑老美了.上帝曾经答应我

Once god came up 2 me granted me a wish. I asked 4 world peace. That's impossible, he said.

有一次上帝来到我面前答应了我一个愿望。我说我要世界和平。“那是不可能的”他说。

Then I asked him 2 give u brains. He said, "Let me try world peace".

然后我请让你变聪明。他说:“你还是让我试试让世界和平吧。” 1.Tom: William has asked me for a loan of five pounds. Should I be doing right in lending it to him?

Jack: Certainly.

Tom: And why?

Jack: Because otherwise he would try to borrow it from me.

汤姆:威廉向我借五英镑。我该不该借给他?

杰克:当然应该了。

汤姆:为什么?

杰克:否则他就该跟我借了

2.I was accompanying my husband on a business trip. He carried his portable computer with him, and the guard at the airport gate asked him to open the case. It was locked, and the man waited patiently as my embarrassed spouse struggled to remember the combination . At last he succeeded.

'Why are you so nervous?' I asked him.

'The numbers are the date of our anniversary.' my usband confessed.

我陪丈夫一起出差,他带着他的手提式计算机。机场出口处检查员要他打开包。他耐心的等着我那窘迫的丈夫设法回想起暗锁的密码。最后他终于想起来了。

“你为什么那么紧张呢?”我问他。

“这密码是我们结婚纪念日。”他承认道

3.Mother: Why are you jumping up and down?

Tom: I've just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle.

妈妈:你为什么不停地跳上跳下的?

汤姆:我刚吃完药,可我忘了先摇动瓶子了

4.One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.

On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out.'The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield.'

My husband looked up and said, 'Mom's here?'

一天晚上我开着丈夫的车去购物,回来后发现车身沾满灰尘,于是擦洗了一阵。当我终于走进屋里时大声喊:“世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。”

我丈夫抬头看了看,说:“妈妈来了?”

5.Mary was so disgusted at her husband's cigarette smoking that she complained to him one day.

'I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday.'

'Don't worry, dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later.' He said with a smile.

玛丽非常讨厌丈夫吸烟,一天对他抱怨说:“我希望有一天所有卷烟厂都失火。”

“不用担心,亲爱的,所有的烟卷迟早都会点着的。”他笑着说。 Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。

“昨天给你的钱干什么了?”

“我给了一个可怜的老太婆,”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子,”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢?”

“她是个卖糖果的。”

Nest and Hair

My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.

"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.

"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.

"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .

"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "

Notes:

(1) inform v.告诉

(2) nest n.窝;巢

(3) description n.描述

(4) encourage v.鼓励

(5) resemble v. 相似;类似

18.鸟窝与头发

我姐姐是一位小学老师。一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外 的树上垒了个窝。

“是什么鸟呢?”我姐姐问她。

“我没看到鸟儿,老师,只看到鸟窝。”那孩子回答说。

“那么,你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗?”我姐姐鼓励她道。

“哦,老师,就像你的头发一样。”

I've Just Bitten My Tongue

"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.

"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"

"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "

Notes:

(1) poisonous adj.有毒的

(2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因为我刚咬了自己的舌头。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的缩略形式。

我刚咬破自己的舌头

“我们有毒吗?”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。

“是的,亲爱的,”她回答说,“你问这个干什么?”

“因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。”

A Woman Who Fell

It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"

摔倒的女人

上下班高峰期,我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车。接近门口,一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来,没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚,仰面滑倒了。她的惯性使她接近了我的脚。我正准备扶她,她却自己爬了起来。她镇定了一下,对我挤了一下眉,说道:“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗?”

英语笑话(一)

Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?

A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.

猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢?你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢,那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤,而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧?

Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?

A: By treading on his corn?

如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物,他肯定会生气的;而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼,他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”,也有“鸡眼”的意思。

Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?

A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.

因为snail(蜗牛)的后背上总是背着一所房子,所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢?

Q: What do people do in a clock factory?

A: They make faces all day.

一看到make faces这个短语,你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀!因为除了这个意思以外,它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。

Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?

A: Keep him awake.

怎样才能不让梦游者(sleepwalker)梦游(walk in his sleep)呢?最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法,但如果让梦游者醒着呢,他的确就不会去梦游了。

英语笑话(二)

He is really somebody

-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.

-- He is really somebody. What does he do?

-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.

他真是一个大人物

-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。

-- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的?

-- 墓地守墓人。

英语笑话(三)

Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.

At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."

它们是从美国直接带来的

一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久,到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台,银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票,看是否有假。

这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦,最后实在忍耐不住说:“相信我,先生,也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元,它们是从美国直接带来的。”

英语笑话(四)my little dog can't read

Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.

我的狗不识字

布朗夫人:哦,

亲爱的,我把珍爱的小狗给丢了!

史密斯夫人:可是你该在报纸上登广告啊!

布朗夫人:没有用的,我的小狗不认识字。”

英语笑话(五)Bring me the winner

-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.

-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.

-- Well, bring me the winner then.

给我那个打赢的吧

-- 服务员,

这个龙虾只有一只爪。

-- 对不起,先生,这只肯定打过架了。

-- 哦, 那给我那个打赢的吧。

英语笑话(六)The mean man's party.

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

"Why use my elbow and foot?"

"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"

吝啬鬼请客

一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说:“你上到五楼,找中间那个门,然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后,再用你的脚把门推开。”

“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢?”

“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪,你总不会空着手来吧?”吝啬鬼回答。

英语笑话(七)Advice for "Kid"

A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,"Get the kid."

忠告“年轻者”

这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话,

千万别进退休社区。因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西,抬东西或者装东西时,他们就叫喊,“让小的干吧。”

英语笑话(八)Which woman?

One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.

On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."

My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?"

哪一位女人?

一天晚上我开着丈夫的车去购物,回来后发现车身沾满灰尘,于是擦洗了一阵。当我终于走进屋里时大声喊:“世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。”

我丈夫抬头看了看,说:“妈妈来了?”

英语笑话(九)The doctor lives downstairs

"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."

He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."

医生住在楼下

“医生”她冲进屋后大声说道。

“我想让你坦率地说我到底得了什么病。”

他从头到脚打量打量她,然后大声说:“太太,我有三件事要对你说。第一,您的体重需要减少大约50磅;第二,如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红,您的美貌将会改变。第三,我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。”

英语笑话(十)One Engine Left

A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a r esult."

Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late."

At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!"

只剩一个引擎

一架747客机正在跨越大西洋时,喇叭里传来了机长的声音:“旅客们请注意,我们的四个引擎中有一个丢失了。但剩下的三个引擎会把我们带到伦敦的。只是我们要因此晚到一小时 。” 过了一会儿,旅客们又听到机长的声音:“各位,你们猜怎么啦?我们刚又掉了第三个引擎。但请你们相信好了。只有一个引擎我们也能飞,但要晚三个小时了。” 正在这时,一位乘客非常气愤地说:“看在上帝的份上,如果我们再掉一个引擎,我们就要整夜都要呆在天上了。”

回答者:lovemydream - 高级经理 七级 7-5 10:08

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其他回答共 2 条

Logic Reasoning 逻辑推理

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yellin

g for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A girl raised her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his savings?"

逻辑推理

小学四年级的教师正在给学生们上一堂逻辑课。她举了这么一个例子:“有这样一种情况,一个男人在河中心的船上钓鱼,突然失去重心掉进了水里。于是他开始挣扎并喊救命。他的妻子听到了他的喊声,知道他并不会游泳,所以她就急忙跑向河岸。谁能告诉我这是为什么?” 一个女生举手答道,“是不是去取他的存款?”

[注]bank在英语中除了我们平时很熟悉的“银行”之外,还有“河岸”的意思。

Have You Ceased Beating Your Wife?你停止打你老婆了吗?

This story is told of a browbeating counsel,who habitually endeavored to terrorize his opponent‘s witnesses.

One witness rather tended to preface his replies with lengthy explanations.

“I want‘yes’or‘no,’”thundered counsel.“There is no need for you to argue the point!”

“But there are some questions which cannot be answered by‘yes’or‘no,’”mildly responded the witness.

“There are not!” snapped the lawyer.

“Oh,” said the witness,“answer this then:“Have you ceased beating your wife?”

这个故事讲的是一个咄咄逼人的辩护律师,他惯于尽量去恐吓对方的证人。

有一个证人有点倾向于在回答问题之前做冗长的解释。

“我要你回答‘是’或者‘不是’,”辩护律师怒喝道: “你没有必要就这个问题进行争论。”

“可是有些问题无法用‘是’或者‘不是’来回答。”这位证人温和地回敬他。

“不存在这样的问题!”律师厉声打断他。

“噢,”证人说:“那么请你回答这个问题:“你停止打你老婆了吗?”

Two Birds

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

两只鸟

老师: 这儿有两只鸟,一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子,哪只是麻雀吗?

学生:我指不出,但我知道答案。

老师:请说说看。

学生:燕子旁边的就是麻雀,麻雀旁边的就是燕子。

"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"

"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.

鱼网

"你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗,安?" 老师发问道。

"把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。" 小女孩回答道。

昨天夜里我爸妈表演“混合双打”

Teacher of Physical Education: Have you ever seen mixed doubles,boys?

体育老师:孩子们,你们见过男女混合双打吗?

Nick: Yes,sir. Quite of ten. I saw it even last night.

尼克:见过,老师,经常见。就在昨天夜里我还见过呢!

Teacher: Please tell us some thing about it.

老师:那你给大家讲讲当时的情形吧。

Nick: Oh,sorry,sir. My father always says, "Domestic shame should not be published.”

尼克:啊,对不起,老师。我爸爸常说:“家丑不可外扬。”(

1.we two who and who?

咱俩谁跟谁阿

2.how are you ? how old are you?

怎么是你,怎么老是你?

3.you have seed I will give you some color to see see, brothers ! together up !

你有种,我要给你点颜色瞧瞧,兄弟们,一起上!

4.as far as you go to die

有多远,死多远!!!!

5.hello everybody!if you have something to say,then say!if you have nothing to say,go home!!

有事起奏,无事退朝

6.you me you me

彼此彼此

7.You Give Me Stop!!

你给我站住!

8.know is know noknow is noknow

知之为知之,不知为不知…

9.WATCH SISTER

表妹

10.dragon born dragon,chicken born chicken,mouse’’son can make hole!!龙生龙,凤生凤,老鼠的儿子会打洞!

11..I give you face you don’t wanna face,you lose you face ,I turn my face

给你脸你不要脸,你丢脸,我翻脸

12.one car comeone car go ,two car pengpeng,people die

(车祸现场描述 )

13.heart flower angry open

心花怒放

14.go past no mistake past

走过路过,不要错过

15.小明:I am sorry!

老外:I am sorry too!

小明:I am sorry three!

老外:What are you sorry for?

小明:I am sorry five!

16.If you want money,I have no;if you want life,I haveone!

要钱没有,要命一条

17.I call Li old big. toyear 25.

我叫李老大,今年25。

18.you have two down son

你有两下子。

19.好好学习,天天向上:

good good study,day day up!

20.people mountain people sea!

人山人海。

参考资料:

求英语误会的笑话

误解英语笑话六则

文/隔山唱歌

我不懂英语,所说的英语笑话也都是听别人所说凭记忆写出来,其中发音该怎样也就按照所听到的来选择与其音相同和相近的汉语读音。当然,会英语的人一看自然明白,不会的也就按照汉语发音笑笑乐乐,轻松一下:

一、好大的油肚

英语你好读音为“好嘟优嘟”。一胖子每天早晨在公园渡步背英语单词。一天,正练习英语单词的他看到迎面来了一个认识的人,于是迎上去用英语说:“好嘟优嘟!”对方伸手拍了拍他的肚皮说:“是啊,好大的油肚,你的油肚也不小!”

二、你才骚勒

候车室里,一女孩拿着英语书边走边念,突然踩在一中年妇女的脚上,赶忙用英语说对不起:“稍锐!”对方站起来说道:“怎么这样没礼貌,踩到人不说对不起,还骂人骚勒,你才骚勒!”

三、ABCD

某培训班自习课上,男学员问女学员:“哈日本特(丈夫)怎么拼写?”女学员瞪他一眼,挥挥手说:“勾B,勾B(地方脏话:滚开,滚开!)”男学员一脸茫然,边走回座位边自言语:“ABCD,不对,没有这样的拼法。”前后左右轰然大笑!

四、骂人是牲口

一职工找出纳报账,出纳坚持让他找领导签字后才给报销,僵持一会后,来报账的职工拿出香烟说:“抽支烟?”出纳头也不抬说:“散克油(谢谢)!”职工说:“不给报就算了嘛,发烟给你抽你还骂人是‘牲口!’”

五、哥哥要摸你

男同事早晨上班,抬手向女同事打招呼说早上好:“估得抹宁!”,女同事猛然后退一步,指着男同事大声说:“大危险分子,你给我死远点!”其他同事听到后问是怎么回事,女同事说:“他把手伸向我说‘估的(方言:强行的意思)摸你’”。隔壁办公室一老同志没听太清,便又对别人说:“想不到XX看起来挺斯文的一个人,他竟然对女同事说哥哥要摸你!”

六、别跟我说英语

一博友留言:“隔山唱歌给DANG听。”我到她博客中留言:“别跟我说英语,说了也白说,我不懂!”回头再看留言中的字母,连起来一读原来是“党”的拼音。博友又给我回复:“哈哈哈哈哈!”

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