笑话哦本文目录一览：
- 1、外国经典幽默笑话
- 2、英语幽默笑话7篇
- 3、美国人的幽默笑话
- 4、经典幽默英语笑话8篇
- 5、英语幽默笑话长篇故事
- 6、英语幽默笑话大全
外国经典幽默笑话
笑话是一种增强快乐的 文化 ，常常以篇幅短小， 故事 情节简单，文笔巧妙的形式出现，给人以出乎意料，并且取得笑意的艺术效果的文化。在忙碌的生活，我们也需要偶尔的放松一下自己。下面我为大家带来外国经典幽默笑话四则，希望大家喜欢!
外国经典幽默笑话：哭泣的 饲养 员
A visitor to the zoo noticed one of the keepers sobbing quietly in a corner and on inquiry was told that the elephant had died.
一名参观动物园的游客注意到一名饲养员正躲在角落里默默地哭泣。他问是怎么回事，别人告诉他大象死了。
"Fond of him，was he?"the visitor asked.
“他很喜欢那头大象，是吧?”游客问道。
"It's not that,"came the reply. "He's the chap who has to dig the grave."
“并非如此，”那人回答说，“他负责给大象挖墓穴。”
外国经典幽默笑话：省钱
Henry was from the United States and he had come to London for a holiday.
亨利是个美国人，他到伦敦来度假。
One day he was not feeling well, so he went to the clerk at the desk of his hotel and said,"I want to see doctor. Can you give me the name of a good one?"
有一天他感到身体不舒服，于是走到旅馆服务台对服务员说:“我想看病，你能给我推荐一位好医生吗?”
The clerk looked in a book and then said , "Dr. Kenneth Grey , 61010."
服务员查阅了一下本子，然后说:“肯尼思·格雷医生，61010。"
Henry said，"Thank yon very much. Is he expensive?"
亨利说:“非常感谢，他收费贵吗?”
"Well, "the clerk answered, "he always charges his patients two pounds for their first visit to him, and one pound and 50 pennies for later visits."
“喔，”服务员回答说:“他对初诊患者收费两英镑，复诊收费一点五英镑。”
Henry decided to save 50 pennies, so when he went to see the doctor, he said，"I've come again,doctor."
亨利想节省五十便士，所以他去看病时对医生说:“我又来了，医生。”
For a few seconds the doctor looked at his face carefully without saying anything.
医生仔细端详着他的面孔，几秒钟没说话。
Then he nodded and said，"Oh，yes. "He examined him and then said, "Everything's going as it should do. Just continue with the medicine I gave you last time."
然后点点头说:“哦，是的。”给他做完检查以后，医生说:“病情发展正常。继续服用上次我给你开的药吧。”
外国经典幽默笑话：蘑菇与毒蕈
Younger Scout: How can I tell the difference between a mushroom and a toadstool?
年少的童子军:我怎样才能把蘑菇和毒覃区别开呢?
Older Scout:Just eat one before you go to bed.
年长的童子军:上床前吃一个。
If you wake up the next morning, it was a mushroom.
如果你第二天早上醒来，那就是蘑菇。
外国经典幽默笑话：你会怎么办
Son： Mum ,if someone broke your best. vase what would you do?
儿子：妈妈，如果有人打碎了你最好的花瓶，你会怎么办?
Mum： I'd spank him and send him to bed without any supper!
妈妈：我要揍他，还不让他吃晚饭就去睡觉!
Son： Well,you' d better get the slipper. Dad's just broken it !
儿子：好了，你准备好拖鞋吧，爸爸刚把那只花瓶摔碎了。
英语幽默笑话7篇
笑话是一种经过艺术加工的语言形式,是艺术化的语言，笑话是一种艺术 方法 ，用这种方法造成以笑为艺术手段的文学艺术作品。下面是我整理的英语幽默笑话6篇，欢迎大家阅读!
英语笑话 一：Is he dying?
A man was sitting in a bar with tears streaming down his face. A friend walked in and asked why he was so unhappy. The weeping one said, The doctor has just told me I'll have to take these tablets for the rest of my life.
Cheerfully, his friend pointed out that many people have to take tablets every day of their life. Sure, came the reply, but he only gave me ten.
一个男人坐在酒吧里痛哭流泪。一个朋友走进来问他为何如此伤心。那人哭着说：刚才医生告诉我，在我的余生里都要吃这些药片。
他的朋友很轻松地指出，许多人一辈子每天都要吃药。当然，男人回答说：但是他只给了我十片。
英语笑话二：The blonde and the farmer
There was a blonde that was so sick of blonde jokes she died her hair red. The jokes stopped and she felt so good, she took a ride in the country one Saturday afternoon. While on this ride, she noticed a flock of sheep and stopped the car to taken......。
一个金发女郎，是那么恶心的黄色笑话她把头发染成红色。笑话停了下来，她觉得很好，她在农村的一个搭车的星期六下午。而在这旅程，她注意到一群羊，停下车来把......。
英语笑话三：太晚了 It's Too Late
A medical student was called on to state how much of a certain drug he would give to a patient. He promptly replied: "Five grains."
A minute later the student asked the professor, "May I correct my answer?" The professor looked at his watch and said: "It's too late. Your patient died thirty seconds ago."
一个医科学生被要求说明他给病人服的那种药的用量。他立即回答道：“五粒。”
一分钟后，这个学生问教授：“我可以改正我的回答吗?”教授看看手表，说：“太晚啦，你的病人已在30秒钟以前死了。”
英语笑话四：The Fish Net
Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?
“你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安?” 老师发问道。
A lot of little holes tied together with strings. replied the little girl.
“把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。”小女孩回答道。
英语笑话五：脑移植 A Brain Transplant
The Brain Surgeon was about to perform a brain transplant.
"You have your choice of two brains," he told the patient, "For $1000 you can have the brain of a psychologist, or for $10,000 you can have the brain of a politician."
The patient was amazed at the huge difference in price. "Is the brain of a politician that much better?" he asked.
The Brain Surgeon replied, "No, it’s not better, just unused."
一个外科医生正要作一个脑移植手术。
“你可以从两个脑子中选一个给你。”医生告诉病人，“一个心理学家的大脑1000美元，一个政治家的大脑10000美元。
病人很惊讶二者之间这样大的差别，“政治家的大脑好一些吗?”他问。
医生说：“不是好一些，只是没有用过。”
英语笑话六：最丑的孩子
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
一位女士抱着她的宝宝上公交车，司机看到后说：“额，那是我这辈子见过的最丑的小孩。”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
女士走到车厢后面坐下，感到很愤怒。她对旁边的男士说：“司机刚刚羞辱了我。”男士回应说：“你快上去斥责他。去吧，我替你抱着你的猴子。”
英语笑话七：我娶了你的姐妹
A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
一位妇人发现丈夫回家的时候总是烂醉如泥，她决定为丈夫治好这个毛病。一个 万圣节 夜里，她穿上一套魔鬼戏服，躲在树后，准备在丈夫返家时拦截他的去路。
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
当丈夫走近时，她从树后跳出来，站到他面前，头上带着红色的羊角、身后有长长的尾巴，手中握着钢叉。
"Who are you?" he asked.
“你是谁?”丈夫问到。
"I'm the Devil!" she responded.
“我是魔鬼!”她回答到。
"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister!"
“噢，那你跟我一起回家吧，”丈夫说，“我娶了你的姐妹!”
美国人的幽默笑话
最近写了关于“犹太人”的文章后，引起了很多反响，我会继续把犹太人以及其他民族的文章给写下往，我在美国时，一脑子都是英文的笑话，可能比大多数美国人的笑话还多的多，但是，有些笑话，是只有美国人听的懂的，觉得可笑的，有些是全人类都能懂得都能享受的笑话，实在，我由大约1990年代初，就开始在中国大陆讲美国笑话，现在，收音机上的很多美国笑话，可能都是当年我很早就开始说的。
既然，我开始写犹太人的文章，我想试一试看大家是否能欣赏及理解美国笑话：
这里有个背景，我们总是说犹太人小气，抠，那就看看以下笑话：
一）我们留意到犹太人的鼻子特别大，例如，美国前国务卿亨利。基辛格的鼻子就特别大，他就是标准犹太人，下一个题目，就是为什么犹太人的鼻子会那么大？？答案就是“由于空气是免费的”。（由于免费，所以拼命吸取，鼻子就大了）哈哈，真抠。
二）一个犹太人带了个很大的箱子上了火车，火车开动后，查票员发现他只买了张“半票”，查票员说“你这么个大人，一定要买全票”，犹太人说“我就是应当买半票，我一向买半票”，两个人就吵了起来，各不相让，最后，查票员非常火大，就一脚把犹太人带的大箱子给踢出火车外头，犹太人开始说话了“我要告你，由于，你刚才把我老婆给踢出火车外了”。哈哈哈，太小气了。
第三个笑话，得先给您些有关犹太人的背景，在德文“-BERGER”的意思是“山”，德国人把“BERGER”放在名字里，德国的犹太人的“姓”中随着德国人，所以也经常带有“BERGER",例如，ROSENBERGER翻成中文就是“罗森伯格”，GREENBERGER翻成中文就是“格林伯格”，所以，在纽约市，只要是带有“伯格”（BERGER)的姓氏，多为德国犹太人，另外，英文字中的“冰山”叫“ICEBERGER",ICE就是冰，BERGER就是山，
笑话是这样开始的：
一个中国人和一个犹太人两个人一起往酒吧饮酒，喝着，喝着，忽然，犹太人站起来，给中国人脸上就是一拳，中国人说“你干嘛打我啊？”，犹太人说“这是为了报仇珍珠港事变”，“珍珠港，但是我又不是日本人？”中国人提抗议，犹太人继续说“你们中国人，韩国人，日本人，长的都一个样，所以，这是为珍珠港报仇”，中国人说“好吧，好吧，算我倒霉”，两人又继续坐下来饮酒，喝着喝着，忽然中国人站了起来，给犹太人脸上就是一拳，打的他满头金星，犹太人说“你干嘛打我啊？我又没出错？”，中国人说“这是为泰坦尼克号（铁达尼号）”，“泰坦尼克号？那跟我有什么关系啊？”犹太人不解，中国人说“由于，你们罗森伯格，格林伯格，还有冰山（伯格），听起来都差未几，所以，这是你应该得到的”，（泰坦尼克号被冰山撞沉）。
每次，当我告诉美国人这个笑话，他们立即笑的快跌在地上，由于美国人都知道犹太人有这个“姓氏题目”，特别是犹太人，他们笑的更厉害，都快趴下了。
不知道您能欣赏这几个笑话吗？？？
经典幽默英语笑话8篇
下面是我整理的经典幽默 英语笑话 ，欢迎大家阅读!
经典幽默英语笑话：The New Baby
Mr.and Mrs.Taylor had a seven year old boy named Pat.Now Mrs.Taylor was expecting another child.
Pat had seen babies in other people's houses and had not liked them very much，so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too.
One evening Mr.and Mrs.Taylor were making plans for the baby's arrival.This house won't be big enough for us all when the baby comes，said Mr.Taylor.
Pat came into the room just then and said，What are you talking about?We were saying that we'll have to move to an other house now，because the new baby's coming，his mother answered.
It's no use，said Pat hopelessly. He'll follow us there.
新生儿
泰勒夫妇有一个七岁的男孩，名叫帕特。现在泰勒太太正怀着第二胎。
帕特在别人家看见过婴儿，他不太喜欢他们，所以他对自己家里也将有一个婴儿的消息感到不满。
一天晚上，泰勒夫妇正在为这个婴儿的降生计划做安排。泰勒先生说：有了婴儿，我们的房子就太小，不够住了。
帕特恰好在这个时候走进屋，他问：你们在说什么?他的母亲回答说：我们在说我们现在得搬家，因为婴儿就要诞生了。
那没用，帕特绝望地说。他会跟我们到那儿去的。
经典幽默英语笑话：What Are The Two Words?
A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter.My dear， said the old lady，I wish you would do something for me.I wish you would promise me never to use two words.One is‘lousy’and the other is‘swell’.Would you promise me that?
Why，sure，Granny，said the girl.What are the two words?
是哪两个词?
一个非常高贵的老夫人有几句话要对她的孙女说。我亲爱的，老夫人说：我希望你能帮我一个忙。我要你答应永远不要用两个词。一个是‘讨厌的’，另一个是‘极好的’。你能答应我吗?
噢，当然，奶奶。女孩说：是哪两个词?
经典幽默英语笑话：What's your name?
A very strict officer was talking to some new soldiers whom he had to train.He had never seen them before,so he began:My name is Stone,and I'm even harder than stone,so do what I tell you or there'll be trouble.Don't try any tricks with me ,and then we'll get on well together
Then he went to each soldier one after another and asked him his name.Speak loudly so that everyone can hear you clearly,He said,and don't forget to call me 'sir'.
Each soldier told him his name,unitl he came to the last one.This man remained silent,and so Captain Stone shouted at him,When I ask you a question,answer it!I'll ask you again:What's you name,soldier?
The soldier was very unhappy,but at last he replied.My name is Stonebreaker,sirhe said nervously.
你叫什么名字?
有一位很严厉的军官在对一群交由他训练的新兵训话。他以前从没见过这群新兵，于是他开始 自我介绍 ：我的名字叫Stone(石头)，事实上，我甚至比石头更强硬。这就是我为什么要告诉你们我名字的原因。不要试图对我玩什么花招，这样我们就能很好相处了。
接着他开始走到每个士兵前面问他们的名字。说大声点，让每个人都能听清楚。另外，不要忘记称呼我为长官。他说。
每个士兵都对他说了自已的名字。他走到最后一位士兵面前时，这个士兵保持着沉默。于是Stone队长对他喊叫，当我问你问题的时候，要回答!我再问一遍，你的名字，士兵?
那个新兵很不高兴，但最后他回答了。我的名字是Stonebreaker(碎石机)，长官。他紧张的说。
经典幽默英语笑话：No Problem
A bald man took a seat in a beauty shop. How can I help you? asked the stylist. I went for a hair transplant, the guy explained, but I couldn't stand the pain. If you can make my hair look like yours without causing me any discomfort, I'll pay you $5,000.
No problem, said the stylist, and he quickly shaved his head.
没问题
一个秃头的男人坐在理发店里。发型师问：有什么可以帮你吗?那个人解释说：我本来去做头发移植，但实在太痛了。如果你能够让我的头发看起来像你的一样，而且没有任何痛苦，我将付给你5000美元。
没问题，发型师说，然后他很快帮自己剃了个光头。
经典幽默英语笑话：
The great painter was asked, one day to paint a picture of Pharaoh crossing the Red Sea. A little while after the picture had been commenced，a hitch arose over the fee，and Hogarth found that he would have to complete the commission for about half the sum he expected. When the work was com pleted， the patron was asked to come and inspect it.As a matter of fact，the picture was just one daub of brilliant red.
What's this? exclaimed the purchaser.I asked for theRed Sea， on the occasion of the celebrated passage.
That's it，replied Hogarth.
But，where are the Israelites?
They are all gone over.
Where are the Egyptians?
They're all drowned.
一天，有人请这位伟大的画家画一幅法老王渡红海图。这幅画刚开始不久，酬金就出现了问题。霍迪斯发现，完成这幅画后，他只能得到他想要的大约一半的钱。当作品完成之后，那位主顾被请来看画。其实，这幅画不过是胡乱涂抹的一片鲜红。
这是什么?那位买主喊了起来。我要的是红海，是那次著名的航海。
这就是，霍迦斯回答说。
可是以色列人在哪儿?
他们都已经渡过去了。
埃及人在哪儿?
他们全都淹死了。
经典幽默英语笑话：人们什么时候说话最少?
Teacher: What is the plural of man,Tom?
老师: 汤姆，“男人”这个词的复数形式是什么?
Tom: Men.
汤姆:男人们。
Teacher: Good. And the plural of child?
老师: 答得好。那“孩子”的复数形式呢?
Tom : Twins.
汤姆: 双胞胎。
经典幽默英语笑话：我丈夫刚进来
The couple seated in restaurant seemed to be having a wonderful time. But as the woman glanced away from the table，their waiter suddenly rushed over.
在饭馆里坐着一对夫妇，他们看上去非常高兴。但是当那女子向旁边瞥了一眼时，服务员马上跑了过来。
“Madam look,”he said.“Your husband just slid under the table.”
“夫人，您瞧,” 他说,“您丈夫滑到桌子底下去了。”
“No,he didn't,”she replied.“My husband just came in the door.”
“不，他没有,” 她回答,“我丈夫刚从门外进来。”
经典幽默英语笑话：有两条裤子
A young man came home from work and found his bride upset. "I feel terrible,” she said. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers.”
丈夫下班回到家里，发现自己的新娘心绪烦乱。“我心里太难受了，”她说。“我在给你熨西装时把裤子的臀部烧了个大洞。”
“Forget it ,” consoled her husband. “Remember that I’ve got an extra pair of pants for that suit.”
“没事儿，”丈夫安慰她说。“你忘了我这套衣服有两条裤子。”
“Yes,” said the woman, cheering up. "And it’s lucky you have. I used them to patch the hole.”
“是的，”妻子高兴地说，“幸亏你还有一条，我后来就用它来补了这个洞了。”
英语幽默笑话长篇故事
笑话第一篇（这篇若外国人看了一定会笑） Adam and Joseph were talking about their families. Adam said,"My grandfather was a very good conductor before he died" "Was he a musician?" joseph asked. "No,"said Adam,"he was struck by lightning." 亚当和约瑟正在谈及他们的家人。 亚当说：「我祖父在他死前是一个很好的conductor(conductor可作指挥，或导电体解） 约瑟问：「他是不是一个音乐家？」 亚当说：「不是，他是被雷电击中」 第二个笑话 The Bishop spoke to the congregation about the shortage of priests and nuns. "Too many of you are only having one child and letting them go off into other professions. I propose that each family should have three children: one for the father, one for mother and one for the church." A few days later, the bishop was out shopping when he saw a pregnant woman from his parish. But before he could say hello, she shouted above the crowd,"This one is yours, Bishop!" 有一个主教对他的会众说及，神父和修女的短缺。 他说：「你们当中太多人只生一个孩子，并让他们从事其他行业。我建议每个家庭应有三个孩子，一个为著爸爸，一个为著妈妈，一个为著教会。」 几天后，主教外出购物，并看到一个他教区的孕妇，在他向她问安之先，她当众大声地说：「主教，这个孩子是你的！」 ...................................................................... 1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very *** all. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, *When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah*. The teacher asked, *What if Jonah went to hell?* The little girl replied, *Then you ask him!* 2) A student es to a young professor*s office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly.*I would do anything to pass this exam, * she says.She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. *I mean,* she whispers, *I would do anything... *He returns her gaze, *Anything?**Anything.*His voice softens, *Anything?**Anything,* she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. *Would you ... study?* 你可以读的慢一点 Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for o cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered. "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are o cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" "She is the one who sells the candy." 好孩子 小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。 “昨天给你的钱干什么了？” “我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？” “她是个卖糖果的。” Nest and Hair My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom. "What kind of bird?" my sister asked. "I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child. "Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her . "Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. " Notes: (1) inform v.告诉 (2) nest n.窝；巢 (3) description n.描述 (4) encourage v.鼓励 (5) resemble v. 相似；类似 鸟窝与头发 我姐姐是一位小学老师。一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外 的树上垒了个窝。 “是什么鸟呢？”我姐姐问她。 “我没看到鸟儿，老师，只看到鸟窝。”那孩子回答说。 “那么，你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗？”我姐姐鼓励她道。 “哦，老师，就像你的头发一样。” I've Just Bitten My Tongue "Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother. "Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?" "Cause I've just bitten my tongue! " Notes: (1) poisonous adj.有毒的 (2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因为我刚咬了自己的舌头。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的缩略形式。 我刚咬破自己的舌头 “我们有毒吗？”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。 “是的，亲爱的，”她回答说，“你问这个干什么？” “因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。” A Woman Who Fell It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the *** ooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her posure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?" 摔倒的女人 上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车。接近门口，一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来，没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚，仰面滑倒了。她的惯性使她接近了我的脚。我正准备扶她，她却自己爬了起来。她镇定了一下，对我挤了一下眉，说道：“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗？” 英语笑话（一） Q: What's the difference beeen a monkey and a flea? A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys. 猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧？ Q: How can you most irritate a farmer? A: By treading on his corn? 如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定会生气的；而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼，他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“鸡眼”的意思。 Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world? A: The snail. It carries its house on its back. 因为snail（蜗牛）的后背上总是背着一所房子，所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢？ Q: What do people do in a clock factory? A: They make faces all day. 一看到make faces这个短语，你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀！因为除了这个意思以外，它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。 Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep? A: Keep him awake. 怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk in his sleep）呢？最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法，但如果让梦游者醒着呢，他的确就不会去梦游了。 英语笑话（二） He is really somebody -- My uncle has 1000 men under him. -- He is really somebody. What does he do? -- A maintenance man in a cemetery. 他真是一个大人物 -- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。 -- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的？ -- 墓地守墓人。 英语笑话（三） Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience. At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America." 它们是从美国直接带来的 一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。 这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。” 英语笑话（四）my little dog can't read Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog! Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers! Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read. 我的狗不识字 布朗夫人：哦， 亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！ 史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！ 布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。” 英语笑话（五）Bring me the winner -- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw. -- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight. -- Well, bring me the winner then. 给我那个打赢的吧 -- 服务员， 这个龙虾只有一只爪。 -- 对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。 -- 哦， 那给我那个打赢的吧。 英语笑话（六）The mean man's party. The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot." "Why use my elbow and foot?" "Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not ing empty-hangded, are you?" 吝啬鬼请客 一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。” “为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？” “你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不会空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。 On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf 在一个乡村路上，一警察让这个农民靠边停车，说：“先生，你意识到你的妻子在几公里前从车上掉下去了吗？”农民回答说：“感谢上帝，我还以为我聋了呢！” Boxing and Running Dan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, he left his friend, "This is a tough world, so I’m teaching my boy to fight." Friend: "But suppose he es up against someone much bigger than he is, who’s also been taught how to box." Dan: "I’m teaching him how to run, too." 拳击和赛跑 丹在教他的儿子怎样拳击。他告诉他的朋友：“这是一个粗暴的世界，所以我要教我的儿子怎么去拼搏。” 朋友： “如果他碰上的对手是一个比他高大，健壮而且也会拳击的人怎么办？” 丹：“我也会教他怎么样赛跑呢。” Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?" "A kid bit me," replied Ivan. "Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother. "I’d know him anywhere," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket." 伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问,"发生了什么事？“ ”一个男孩咬了我一口，“伊凡说。 ”再见到他时你能认出来吗?"妈妈问。 “他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说，“他的耳朵还在我的衣兜里呢。” Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand? Matthew: Very Cold, sir. Teacher: Wrong. Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen! 老师：马修，新西兰的气候怎么样？ 马修：先生，那里的天气很冷。 老师：错了。 马修：可是，先生！从那儿运来的猪肉都冻得硬邦邦的。 1.When Was Rome Built? 罗马是什么时候建成的？ Teacher: When was Rome built? Tom: At night. Teacher: Who told you that? Tom: You did. You said Rome wasn't built in a day. 老师：罗马是什么时候建成的？ 汤姆：在夜里建成的。 老师：谁告诉你的？ 汤姆：是您啊。您说过罗马不是在一个白天建成的。 2.He Knows the Answer 他知道答案 Teacher: Can you tell me anything about the great scientists of the 18th century? Pupil: Yes, sir, I can. They are all dead. 教师：你能告诉我一些有关十八世纪的伟大科学家的事情吗？ 学生：我能，先生。他们都死了。 3.Where do babies e from? 小孩从哪里来？ I asked my father where babies e from. He says you download them from the Inter. 我问爸爸小孩是从哪里来的，他说是从网上下载的。 4.An Essential Correction 实质性的纠正 Teacher: Walter, why don’t you wash your face? I can see what you had for breakfast this morning. Walter: What was it? Teacher: Eggs. Walter: Wrong, teacher. That was yesterday. 老 师：沃尔特，你为什么不洗脸?我看得出你今天早饭吃了什么。 沃尔特：我吃了什么？ 老 师：鸡蛋。 沃尔特：错了，老师。那是昨天吃的。 5. I Don’t Feel Like Getting into an Argument 我不想争论 “Gerald,” asked the teacher, “what is the shape of the earth?” “It's round,” answered Gerald. “How do you know it's round?” continued the teacher. “All right, it’s square then,” he replied, “ I really don't feel like getting into an argument about it!” “杰拉尔德，”老师说，“地球是什么形状的？” “是圆形的，”杰拉尔德回答。 “你怎么知道是圆的？”老师继续问。 “好，那就是方的吧，”他回答说。“我真的不想和您争论这件事！” 6.Three Reasons 三个理由 Teacher: Bob, give me three reasons why you know the Earth to be round. Bob: Mum says so, Dad says so, and you say so! 老师：鲍勃，说出三条理由来证实地球是圆的。 鲍勃：妈妈是这么说的，爸爸是这么说的，您也是这么说的！ 7.Who Should be Given the Present? 礼物该给谁？ A father of five came home with a toy, summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present, “Who is the most obedient, never talks back to mother and does everything he or she is told?” he inquired. There was silence and then a chorus of voices: “You play with it, Daddy!” 一个有五个孩子的父亲带着一件玩具回到家里，把孩子们召集来问这件礼物应该给谁。“谁最听话，从不和妈妈顶嘴，让干什么就干什么？”他问道。 大家都不吭声。过了一会儿，孩子们异口同声地说：“爸爸，您玩儿吧。” 8.Big Head 大脑袋 “All the kids make fun of me,” The boy cried to his mother. “They say I have a big head.” “Don't listen to them,” his mother consoled. “You have a beautiful head. Now stop crying and go to the store for ten pounds of potatoes.” “Where's the shopping bag?” “I haven't got one, use your hat.” “所有的孩子都拿我取乐，”小男孩哭着跟妈妈说：“他们说我长了一个大脑袋。” “别听他们的，”他妈妈安慰说。“你的脑袋长得很漂亮。好了，别哭了, 去到店里买10磅土豆来。” “兜子在哪儿呢？” “我没有兜子——就用你的帽子吧。” 有一个外国人来到中国。一天，他路过K F C（肯德基），看见里面的客人在吃像血一样的东西，他就问：“那是什么？”服务员说：“那是番茄酱。”外国人想：原来中国人的血叫做 番茄酱。 他又路过一家鸡腿店，看见里面的客人在吃像腿一样的东西，他问：“那是什么？”服务员说：“那是鸡腿。”外国人想：原来中国人的腿叫 鸡腿。 他又路过一家文具店，看见里面有一个大得像汽车一样的橡皮擦，他问：“那是什么？”老板说：“那是橡皮擦。”外国人想：原来中国人的汽车叫 橡皮擦。 他又路过一家酒店，看见一个男的正和一个女的吵架。男的说：“ *** ！”女的说：“你娘的！”外国人想：原来中国人男的叫 你娘的；女的叫 *** 。 后来，他看见了一场车祸。一个男的车撞到了一个女的车，那个被撞的女的脚上海流血了。他就这样打电话给警察： “在xx街的路口上，一个 你娘的汽车撞了一个 *** 。那个被撞的 *** 鸡腿上流了好多番茄酱......”
英语幽默笑话大全
一、我是单身汉
Jack feell off his bicycle and got hurt. A beautiful young nurse asked him to fill forms. Jack finished them and gave them back."Anything else?" The nurse asked. "Yes,"Jack thinks for a while and said,"I'm a bachelor."
杰克骑车摔伤，得住院治疗。一位年轻美貌的护士拿着表格让填。仞杰克填好递上表格"还有什么漏填的？"护士问. "有！"杰克想了想说，"我是个单身汉."
二、死于肝癌的人100%都吃饭
Wife:You see.According to te statistics on the paper 80% of those who have died of liver cancer have drunk alcoho.
Husband:It's okey. To my investigation, all Thespeopleeat meals.
妻子：你看这张报纸，据统计，死于肝癌的人80%都是喝酒的。
丈夫：那有什么？据我调查，死于肝癌的人100%都吃饭的。
三、位置上的冰激凌
"Excuse me,but the seat you've taken is mine."
"Yours?Can you prove it?"
"Yes,I put a cup of ice cream on it."
"请原谅，你占了我的位置."
"你的位置？你能征明这点吗？"
"能，我在位置上放了杯 冰激凌."
四、别无选择
One day,Eve asked Adam,"Doyou really love me?"
Adam said helplessly,"Do I have any other choice?"
一天，夏娃问亚当："你当真爱我吗？"
亚当无可奈何地回答："我还有的选择吗？"
五、总是口渴
Always Thirsty
"I had an operation," said a man to his friend, "and the doctor left a sponge in me."
"That"s terrible!" said the friend. "Got any pain?"
"No, but I am always thirsty!"
总感到口渴
一个男人对他的朋友说：“我动了一次手术，手术后医生把一块海绵忘在我的身体里了。”
“真是太糟糕了！”朋友说道：“你觉得疼吗？”
“不疼，可是我总感到口渴。”
