1.On Sunday they pray for you and on Monday prey on you.
2.Seven days without water makes one weak (week).
3.Why is an empty purse always the same?
Because there is never any change in it.
4.We eat what we can and what we can’t we can.
5.A professor tapped on his desk and shouted: “Gentlemen ,order!”
The entire class yelled “Beer!”
6.A little boy came up to his mother. “Ma,” he said, “I have some to tell you. My teacher kissed me.”
“Well, were you a good boy and did you kiss her back?”
“Of course not!” he denied indignantly,
“I kissed her face.”
7.Why is a river so rich?
Because it has two banks.
8.Why do carpenters reasonably believe that there isn’t such a thing as stone?
Because they never saw it.
9.Why can you never expect a fisherman to be generous?
Because his business makes him sell fish.
10.What is the strongest day of the week?
It’s Sunday, because the other days are weekdays.
1、What do you call a deer with no eye?
No eye deer (No idea).
2、What did a late tomato say to other tomatoes?
I will ketchup (catch up).
3、What do you call a bee from America?
A USB (US bee).
4、Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot. Because you can catch a cold.
(热更快，因为你能追上冷/会感冒 catch a cold）
5、What did my dog say when I asked him the answer for two minus two?
He said nothing.
(他什么也没说 / 他说什么也没有)
一个西班牙语的笑话记不得具体是谁了大致是这样的语言背景：1.西班牙对国王或王后尊称sumajestad（相当于英语里的your majesty）2.“挑选”这个词的动词原型是escoger它的命令式（相当于英语里的祈使句）第三人称单数usted（usted是“您”的意思是对第二人称单数的敬称但语法上属于第三人称单数）的变位是escoja 3.“是”这个词的动词原型是ser第三人称单数变位是es（相当于英语里的is） 4.“瘸”这次词叫cojo这是它的形容词原型如果是男的就是cojo如果是女的就是coja下面是正文：西班牙历史上有一个瘸腿的reina（相当于英语里的queen）有一次一个大臣拿了一大束花给这个reina对她说了一句“sumajestad，escoja”下面是解释：这个大臣说的这句话的本意是“女王陛下，请您挑一枝花吧”但听起来像是“sumajestadescoja”（发音一毛一样）意思是“女王陛下是瘸腿”…哈哈哈机智的大臣哈哈哈打了半天可能只有我一个人又笑了一次…
As a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner. "Yep, that's him," came the reply. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!"
一名陌生人走进一家乡间小商店，看到玻璃门上帖着的一个告示牌上写着，“危险! 小心有狗!” 进去后，他看到一条样子一点都不凶的老狗趴在收款机旁边的地板上睡觉。 “这就是大伙都得留神的那只狗啊?” 陌生人问店主。“是，就是他”，店主回答。 听到这个回答， 陌生人觉得很好笑。“我觉得那条狗一点都不可怕。 你帖那个告示做什么?” “因为，” 店主解释说，“在我帖告示之前， 大伙老被他绊倒。”
A young couple was on their way to get married when they had an accident and died. Now they were in front of St. Peter and the young lady asked if they could get married. St. Peter told them, he would have to get back to them with an answer. Around 30 days later St. Peter returns and tells the couple that they can get married in heaven. The young lady then asks St. Peter, “If things just don't work out can we get a divorce?" St. Peter looks at her and replies, " Lady it took me 30 days to find a preacher up here do you really think I am going to find a lawyer?!!"
On my first day of classes at my university I took a front-row seat in my literature course. The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose. Then he ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book and began, "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..." I was working feverishly to get down all the names when I felt a tap on my shoulder. The student in back of me whispered, "He's taking attendance."
Our university newspaper runs a weekly question feature. Recently, the question was: "Whose autograph would you most want to have, and why?" As expected, most responses mentioned music or sports stars, or politicians. The best response came from a freshman, who said, "The person who signs my diploma."
我们大学的校报开办了一个每周一问的专栏。上周的问题是：“你最想要什么人的签名?为什么?”和预计的一样，大部分的回答都是歌星、体育明星或者政治家。但是，最优秀的答案来自一个一年级新生，他说：“在我 毕业 证上签字的那个人。”
My English professor once launched into a lecture on "motivation." "What pushes you ahead?" he asked. "What is it that makes you go to school each day? What driving force makes you strive to accomplish?" Turning suddenly to one young woman, he demanded: "What makes you get out of bed in the morning?" The student replied: "My mother."
Professor Tom was going to meet his students on the next day, so he wrote some words on the blackboard which read as follows: "Professor Tom will meet the class tomorrow." A student, seeing his chance to display his sense of humor after reading the notice, walked up and erased the "c" in the word "class." The Professor noticing the laughter, wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the notice with the "c" erased--calmly walked up and erased the "l" in "lass", looked at the flabbergasted student and proceeded on his way.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Bob asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied, "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "Well, what sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' " Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
On the day of our final exam at my Community College in Santa Maria, Calif., we heard that the bookstore had changed its policy and would buy back our business-management textbooks. Before class, several of us dashed over to the store and sold our books. We were seated and waiting for the test when our professor announced that considering the difficulty of the final, it would be an open-book exam.
This is your captain speaking. On behalf of my crew... I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it to waving at you. That's me, the copilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recording.
One of my favorite teachers at Southeast Missouri State University in Cape Girardeau is known for his droll sense of humor. Explaining his ground rules to one freshman class, he said, "Now I know my lectures can often be dry and boring, so I don't mind if you look at your watches during class. I do, however, object to your pounding them on the desk to make sure they're running!"
A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign ... hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passerbys pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign. And somebody was standing in front of the 'S.'
有个人开车行驶在上班的路上，一辆卡车闯红灯从侧面撞上了他的车，当时他就不省人事了。路旁的行人把他从车里拉出来并唤醒他。刚一醒过来，他就拼命的挣扎着，最后不得不用了药物才让他镇静下来。过了一会儿，他平静了，别人问他为什么要这么恐怖的挣扎，他说：“被撞之后我就什么都不知道了，当我醒过来，我发现我躺在了路边，前面是一个巨大的 广告 牌上面闪烁着‘壳牌’，但是有个人挡住了那个“S。”
A little boy needed $50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $50. When the post office received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the president. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those turkeys kept $45 in taxes.
有个小男孩非常需要50美元，他为此祷告了数周但是什么也没发生。后来，他决定写封信向上帝索要这50美元。邮局接到这封信，想了想觉得还是应该交给总统比较好。总统被逗笑了，于是指示秘书寄给小男孩5美元，因为他觉得5美元对于一个小孩来讲已经是不少了。小男孩收到了钱很高兴，给上帝回了一封 感谢信 ，信里写道：尊敬的上帝，非常感谢你把钱寄给我。然而，我发现这些钱是通过白宫寄出的，因此，和往常一样，那帮家伙收了我45美元的税。
1. Why is the doctor so angry?
A: Because he has no patience.
2. What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator.
笑点：这个点在读音，investigator = in + vest + alligator
3. Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?
A: Because she will Let it go.
笑点：《冰雪奇缘》的主题曲就是“Let it go”。小朋友一定能知道这个梗。
4. What do you call a computer that sings?
5. What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.
6. What do you call a bee that lives in America?
笑点：美国是U.S. U.S.+ bee = USB
7.Your brain has two parts: left right. Your left brain has nothing right, Your right brain has nothing left.
not so much as …甚至于…都没有
set sb to do 使某人做
be determined upon … 对…意志坚定
a strip of 呈条带状的一片
divide sth into 把...分成
at the end of 在...尽头；在...结束时
a great deal of 大量
look back upon 回忆；回顾