笑话哦本文目录一览：
- 1、英语幽默笑话长篇故事
- 2、经典英语课堂笑话大全
- 3、外国经典幽默笑话
- 4、英语幽默笑话大全
- 5、求英语课堂演讲用的短笑话~~
- 6、双语幽默英语笑话
英语幽默笑话长篇故事
笑话第一篇（这篇若外国人看了一定会笑） Adam and Joseph were talking about their families. Adam said,"My grandfather was a very good conductor before he died" "Was he a musician?" joseph asked. "No,"said Adam,"he was struck by lightning." 亚当和约瑟正在谈及他们的家人。 亚当说：「我祖父在他死前是一个很好的conductor(conductor可作指挥，或导电体解） 约瑟问：「他是不是一个音乐家？」 亚当说：「不是，他是被雷电击中」 第二个笑话 The Bishop spoke to the congregation about the shortage of priests and nuns. "Too many of you are only having one child and letting them go off into other professions. I propose that each family should have three children: one for the father, one for mother and one for the church." A few days later, the bishop was out shopping when he saw a pregnant woman from his parish. But before he could say hello, she shouted above the crowd,"This one is yours, Bishop!" 有一个主教对他的会众说及，神父和修女的短缺。 他说：「你们当中太多人只生一个孩子，并让他们从事其他行业。我建议每个家庭应有三个孩子，一个为著爸爸，一个为著妈妈，一个为著教会。」 几天后，主教外出购物，并看到一个他教区的孕妇，在他向她问安之先，她当众大声地说：「主教，这个孩子是你的！」 ...................................................................... 1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very *** all. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, *When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah*. The teacher asked, *What if Jonah went to hell?* The little girl replied, *Then you ask him!* 2) A student es to a young professor*s office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly.*I would do anything to pass this exam, * she says.She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. *I mean,* she whispers, *I would do anything... *He returns her gaze, *Anything?**Anything.*His voice softens, *Anything?**Anything,* she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. *Would you ... study?* 你可以读的慢一点 Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for o cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered. "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are o cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" "She is the one who sells the candy." 好孩子 小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。 “昨天给你的钱干什么了？” “我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？” “她是个卖糖果的。” Nest and Hair My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom. "What kind of bird?" my sister asked. "I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child. "Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her . "Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. " Notes: (1) inform v.告诉 (2) nest n.窝；巢 (3) description n.描述 (4) encourage v.鼓励 (5) resemble v. 相似；类似 鸟窝与头发 我姐姐是一位小学老师。一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外 的树上垒了个窝。 “是什么鸟呢？”我姐姐问她。 “我没看到鸟儿，老师，只看到鸟窝。”那孩子回答说。 “那么，你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗？”我姐姐鼓励她道。 “哦，老师，就像你的头发一样。” I've Just Bitten My Tongue "Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother. "Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?" "Cause I've just bitten my tongue! " Notes: (1) poisonous adj.有毒的 (2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因为我刚咬了自己的舌头。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的缩略形式。 我刚咬破自己的舌头 “我们有毒吗？”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。 “是的，亲爱的，”她回答说，“你问这个干什么？” “因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。” A Woman Who Fell It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the *** ooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her posure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?" 摔倒的女人 上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车。接近门口，一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来，没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚，仰面滑倒了。她的惯性使她接近了我的脚。我正准备扶她，她却自己爬了起来。她镇定了一下，对我挤了一下眉，说道：“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗？” 英语笑话（一） Q: What's the difference beeen a monkey and a flea? A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys. 猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧？ Q: How can you most irritate a farmer? A: By treading on his corn? 如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定会生气的；而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼，他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“鸡眼”的意思。 Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world? A: The snail. It carries its house on its back. 因为snail（蜗牛）的后背上总是背着一所房子，所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢？ Q: What do people do in a clock factory? A: They make faces all day. 一看到make faces这个短语，你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀！因为除了这个意思以外，它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。 Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep? A: Keep him awake. 怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk in his sleep）呢？最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法，但如果让梦游者醒着呢，他的确就不会去梦游了。 英语笑话（二） He is really somebody -- My uncle has 1000 men under him. -- He is really somebody. What does he do? -- A maintenance man in a cemetery. 他真是一个大人物 -- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。 -- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的？ -- 墓地守墓人。 英语笑话（三） Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience. At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America." 它们是从美国直接带来的 一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。 这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。” 英语笑话（四）my little dog can't read Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog! Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers! Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read. 我的狗不识字 布朗夫人：哦， 亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！ 史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！ 布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。” 英语笑话（五）Bring me the winner -- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw. -- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight. -- Well, bring me the winner then. 给我那个打赢的吧 -- 服务员， 这个龙虾只有一只爪。 -- 对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。 -- 哦， 那给我那个打赢的吧。 英语笑话（六）The mean man's party. The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot." "Why use my elbow and foot?" "Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not ing empty-hangded, are you?" 吝啬鬼请客 一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。” “为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？” “你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不会空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。 On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf 在一个乡村路上，一警察让这个农民靠边停车，说：“先生，你意识到你的妻子在几公里前从车上掉下去了吗？”农民回答说：“感谢上帝，我还以为我聋了呢！” Boxing and Running Dan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, he left his friend, "This is a tough world, so I’m teaching my boy to fight." Friend: "But suppose he es up against someone much bigger than he is, who’s also been taught how to box." Dan: "I’m teaching him how to run, too." 拳击和赛跑 丹在教他的儿子怎样拳击。他告诉他的朋友：“这是一个粗暴的世界，所以我要教我的儿子怎么去拼搏。” 朋友： “如果他碰上的对手是一个比他高大，健壮而且也会拳击的人怎么办？” 丹：“我也会教他怎么样赛跑呢。” Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?" "A kid bit me," replied Ivan. "Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother. "I’d know him anywhere," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket." 伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问,"发生了什么事？“ ”一个男孩咬了我一口，“伊凡说。 ”再见到他时你能认出来吗?"妈妈问。 “他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说，“他的耳朵还在我的衣兜里呢。” Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand? Matthew: Very Cold, sir. Teacher: Wrong. Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen! 老师：马修，新西兰的气候怎么样？ 马修：先生，那里的天气很冷。 老师：错了。 马修：可是，先生！从那儿运来的猪肉都冻得硬邦邦的。 1.When Was Rome Built? 罗马是什么时候建成的？ Teacher: When was Rome built? Tom: At night. Teacher: Who told you that? Tom: You did. You said Rome wasn't built in a day. 老师：罗马是什么时候建成的？ 汤姆：在夜里建成的。 老师：谁告诉你的？ 汤姆：是您啊。您说过罗马不是在一个白天建成的。 2.He Knows the Answer 他知道答案 Teacher: Can you tell me anything about the great scientists of the 18th century? Pupil: Yes, sir, I can. They are all dead. 教师：你能告诉我一些有关十八世纪的伟大科学家的事情吗？ 学生：我能，先生。他们都死了。 3.Where do babies e from? 小孩从哪里来？ I asked my father where babies e from. He says you download them from the Inter. 我问爸爸小孩是从哪里来的，他说是从网上下载的。 4.An Essential Correction 实质性的纠正 Teacher: Walter, why don’t you wash your face? I can see what you had for breakfast this morning. Walter: What was it? Teacher: Eggs. Walter: Wrong, teacher. That was yesterday. 老 师：沃尔特，你为什么不洗脸?我看得出你今天早饭吃了什么。 沃尔特：我吃了什么？ 老 师：鸡蛋。 沃尔特：错了，老师。那是昨天吃的。 5. I Don’t Feel Like Getting into an Argument 我不想争论 “Gerald,” asked the teacher, “what is the shape of the earth?” “It's round,” answered Gerald. “How do you know it's round?” continued the teacher. “All right, it’s square then,” he replied, “ I really don't feel like getting into an argument about it!” “杰拉尔德，”老师说，“地球是什么形状的？” “是圆形的，”杰拉尔德回答。 “你怎么知道是圆的？”老师继续问。 “好，那就是方的吧，”他回答说。“我真的不想和您争论这件事！” 6.Three Reasons 三个理由 Teacher: Bob, give me three reasons why you know the Earth to be round. Bob: Mum says so, Dad says so, and you say so! 老师：鲍勃，说出三条理由来证实地球是圆的。 鲍勃：妈妈是这么说的，爸爸是这么说的，您也是这么说的！ 7.Who Should be Given the Present? 礼物该给谁？ A father of five came home with a toy, summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present, “Who is the most obedient, never talks back to mother and does everything he or she is told?” he inquired. There was silence and then a chorus of voices: “You play with it, Daddy!” 一个有五个孩子的父亲带着一件玩具回到家里，把孩子们召集来问这件礼物应该给谁。“谁最听话，从不和妈妈顶嘴，让干什么就干什么？”他问道。 大家都不吭声。过了一会儿，孩子们异口同声地说：“爸爸，您玩儿吧。” 8.Big Head 大脑袋 “All the kids make fun of me,” The boy cried to his mother. “They say I have a big head.” “Don't listen to them,” his mother consoled. “You have a beautiful head. Now stop crying and go to the store for ten pounds of potatoes.” “Where's the shopping bag?” “I haven't got one, use your hat.” “所有的孩子都拿我取乐，”小男孩哭着跟妈妈说：“他们说我长了一个大脑袋。” “别听他们的，”他妈妈安慰说。“你的脑袋长得很漂亮。好了，别哭了, 去到店里买10磅土豆来。” “兜子在哪儿呢？” “我没有兜子——就用你的帽子吧。” 有一个外国人来到中国。一天，他路过K F C（肯德基），看见里面的客人在吃像血一样的东西，他就问：“那是什么？”服务员说：“那是番茄酱。”外国人想：原来中国人的血叫做 番茄酱。 他又路过一家鸡腿店，看见里面的客人在吃像腿一样的东西，他问：“那是什么？”服务员说：“那是鸡腿。”外国人想：原来中国人的腿叫 鸡腿。 他又路过一家文具店，看见里面有一个大得像汽车一样的橡皮擦，他问：“那是什么？”老板说：“那是橡皮擦。”外国人想：原来中国人的汽车叫 橡皮擦。 他又路过一家酒店，看见一个男的正和一个女的吵架。男的说：“ *** ！”女的说：“你娘的！”外国人想：原来中国人男的叫 你娘的；女的叫 *** 。 后来，他看见了一场车祸。一个男的车撞到了一个女的车，那个被撞的女的脚上海流血了。他就这样打电话给警察： “在xx街的路口上，一个 你娘的汽车撞了一个 *** 。那个被撞的 *** 鸡腿上流了好多番茄酱......”
经典英语课堂笑话大全
冷笑话是一种新兴的语言现象,伴随着网络的普及它已经渗透到了青年群体的日常生活,偶尔爆出的一两句冷笑话能使交流氛围变得轻松愉悦,也能展示交谈者的幽默和智慧。下面是我带来的经典英语课堂笑话，欢迎阅读!
经典英语课堂笑话篇一
After burying his mother nine months earlier, a client of the local mortuary finally had enough money to purchase the expensive coffin he'd originally wanted. So we exhumed the body and transferred his deceased mother into the new steel casket. "What's so special about this coffin?" I asked the funeral director. He replied, "It has a lifetime warranty."
在将母亲下葬9个月后，当地殡仪馆的一个客户终于攒够了钱去买那副他早就相中的价值不菲的棺材了。他把母亲的棺材挖了出来，将尸体转移到了那副新的钢制棺材中。“这副棺材有什么特别?”，我问葬礼的承办人。他回答说，“这种棺材终生保修。
经典英语课堂笑话篇二
Once I received a thank-you note from a friend whom I had helped. In the envelope were five lottery tickets that had been scratched, revealing the numbers. "Thank you very much for your help," the note read. "As a gift, I bought you some lottery tickets- sorry you didn't win. "
有一次，我收到一封 感谢信 ，是一个我曾帮助过的朋友寄来的。信封内有五张彩票，都被刮过了，露出了数字。“非常感谢您的帮助，”信上写道，“作为礼物，我给您买了些彩票----真遗憾，您没中奖。”
经典英语课堂笑话篇三
A newspaper organized a contest for the best answer to the question: "If a fire broke out in the Louvre, and if you could only save one painting, which one would you carry out?"
一份报纸组织了一场竞赛，为下面的问题征集最佳答案：“如果卢浮宫起了火，而你只能救出一幅画，你将救出哪一幅?”
The winning reply was: "The one nearest the exit."
获奖的答案是：“最接近门口的那一幅。”
经典英语课堂笑话篇四
One day, Tim's mathematics teacher looked at his homework and saw that he had got all his sums right. The teacher was very pleased-and rather surprised. He called Tim to his desk and said to him, "You got all your homework right this time, Tim.What happened? Did your father help you?"
一天，蒂姆的数学老师看了他的作业，发现他全做对了。老师很高兴，同时也十分惊讶。他把蒂姆叫到桌前说："蒂姆，你这次的作业全都做对了，怎么回事?你爸爸帮你做了吗?"
"No, sir. He was too busy last night, so I had to do it allmyself," said Tim."
不，先生，我爸爸昨天很忙，我不得不全由自己做了。"
经典英语课堂笑话篇五
Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day?
老师：汤姆，您为什么每天上学迟到?
Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, "School-Go Slow
经典英语课堂笑话篇六
The Preacher Buys a Parrot
传教士买鹦鹉
A preacher is buying a parrot.
一个传教士在买鹦鹉。
"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.
“你确信它不会尖叫，大叫或诅咒别人吗?”传教士问。
"Oh absolutely. He's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.
“噢，绝对不会。它是一只虔诚的鹦鹉。”店主向他保证。
"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."
“你看见它腿上的那些细绳了吗?当你拉动右边这根，它会背诵天主经;当你拉动左边那根，它会背诵赞美诗。”
"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"
“太棒了!”传教士说，“但是如果我同时拉动两根绳子，会发生什么呢?”
"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.
“我会从树干上掉下去，你这个笨蛋!”鹦鹉尖声说道。
经典英语课堂笑话篇七
Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?" "I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. My husband was in all morning. He never heard a thing!" After apologizing, I got her parcel. "Oh, good," she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages." "What is it?" I asked. "My husband's new hearing aid."
我在邮局上班，对于顾客们的各种情绪早已习以为常了。所以，有一天当一个生气的顾客气冲冲地来到我的工作台时，我还是非常平静地问她，“有什么问题吗?”“我早上上街了，”女顾客说，“我回到家的时候，我看到一个卡片，卡片说邮递员要给我们家送包裹，但没人在家。可是我的丈夫整个早上都在家啊。他说他什么都没听到”。在表示了歉意之后，我把包裹给了她。“噢，太好了”，那位女顾客喜形于色。“我们等这东西都等多少年了!”“是什么好东西?”我问。“我丈夫的新助听器”。
外国经典幽默笑话
笑话是一种增强快乐的 文化 ，常常以篇幅短小， 故事 情节简单，文笔巧妙的形式出现，给人以出乎意料，并且取得笑意的艺术效果的文化。在忙碌的生活，我们也需要偶尔的放松一下自己。下面我为大家带来外国经典幽默笑话四则，希望大家喜欢!
外国经典幽默笑话：哭泣的 饲养 员
A visitor to the zoo noticed one of the keepers sobbing quietly in a corner and on inquiry was told that the elephant had died.
一名参观动物园的游客注意到一名饲养员正躲在角落里默默地哭泣。他问是怎么回事，别人告诉他大象死了。
"Fond of him，was he?"the visitor asked.
“他很喜欢那头大象，是吧?”游客问道。
"It's not that,"came the reply. "He's the chap who has to dig the grave."
“并非如此，”那人回答说，“他负责给大象挖墓穴。”
外国经典幽默笑话：省钱
Henry was from the United States and he had come to London for a holiday.
亨利是个美国人，他到伦敦来度假。
One day he was not feeling well, so he went to the clerk at the desk of his hotel and said,"I want to see doctor. Can you give me the name of a good one?"
有一天他感到身体不舒服，于是走到旅馆服务台对服务员说:“我想看病，你能给我推荐一位好医生吗?”
The clerk looked in a book and then said , "Dr. Kenneth Grey , 61010."
服务员查阅了一下本子，然后说:“肯尼思·格雷医生，61010。"
Henry said，"Thank yon very much. Is he expensive?"
亨利说:“非常感谢，他收费贵吗?”
"Well, "the clerk answered, "he always charges his patients two pounds for their first visit to him, and one pound and 50 pennies for later visits."
“喔，”服务员回答说:“他对初诊患者收费两英镑，复诊收费一点五英镑。”
Henry decided to save 50 pennies, so when he went to see the doctor, he said，"I've come again,doctor."
亨利想节省五十便士，所以他去看病时对医生说:“我又来了，医生。”
For a few seconds the doctor looked at his face carefully without saying anything.
医生仔细端详着他的面孔，几秒钟没说话。
Then he nodded and said，"Oh，yes. "He examined him and then said, "Everything's going as it should do. Just continue with the medicine I gave you last time."
然后点点头说:“哦，是的。”给他做完检查以后，医生说:“病情发展正常。继续服用上次我给你开的药吧。”
外国经典幽默笑话：蘑菇与毒蕈
Younger Scout: How can I tell the difference between a mushroom and a toadstool?
年少的童子军:我怎样才能把蘑菇和毒覃区别开呢?
Older Scout:Just eat one before you go to bed.
年长的童子军:上床前吃一个。
If you wake up the next morning, it was a mushroom.
如果你第二天早上醒来，那就是蘑菇。
外国经典幽默笑话：你会怎么办
Son： Mum ,if someone broke your best. vase what would you do?
儿子：妈妈，如果有人打碎了你最好的花瓶，你会怎么办?
Mum： I'd spank him and send him to bed without any supper!
妈妈：我要揍他，还不让他吃晚饭就去睡觉!
Son： Well,you' d better get the slipper. Dad's just broken it !
儿子：好了，你准备好拖鞋吧，爸爸刚把那只花瓶摔碎了。
英语幽默笑话大全
一、我是单身汉
Jack feell off his bicycle and got hurt. A beautiful young nurse asked him to fill forms. Jack finished them and gave them back."Anything else?" The nurse asked. "Yes,"Jack thinks for a while and said,"I'm a bachelor."
杰克骑车摔伤，得住院治疗。一位年轻美貌的护士拿着表格让填。仞杰克填好递上表格"还有什么漏填的？"护士问. "有！"杰克想了想说，"我是个单身汉."
二、死于肝癌的人100%都吃饭
Wife:You see.According to te statistics on the paper 80% of those who have died of liver cancer have drunk alcoho.
Husband:It's okey. To my investigation, all Thespeopleeat meals.
妻子：你看这张报纸，据统计，死于肝癌的人80%都是喝酒的。
丈夫：那有什么？据我调查，死于肝癌的人100%都吃饭的。
三、位置上的冰激凌
"Excuse me,but the seat you've taken is mine."
"Yours?Can you prove it?"
"Yes,I put a cup of ice cream on it."
"请原谅，你占了我的位置."
"你的位置？你能征明这点吗？"
"能，我在位置上放了杯 冰激凌."
四、别无选择
One day,Eve asked Adam,"Doyou really love me?"
Adam said helplessly,"Do I have any other choice?"
一天，夏娃问亚当："你当真爱我吗？"
亚当无可奈何地回答："我还有的选择吗？"
五、总是口渴
Always Thirsty
"I had an operation," said a man to his friend, "and the doctor left a sponge in me."
"That"s terrible!" said the friend. "Got any pain?"
"No, but I am always thirsty!"
总感到口渴
一个男人对他的朋友说：“我动了一次手术，手术后医生把一块海绵忘在我的身体里了。”
“真是太糟糕了！”朋友说道：“你觉得疼吗？”
“不疼，可是我总感到口渴。”
求英语课堂演讲用的短笑话~~
Let me take it down
An elephant said to a mouse ,"no doubt that you are the smallest znd most useless thing that Ihave e ver seen ."
"Pless ,say it again .Let me take it down ."the mouse said ."I will tell a flea what I know."
为我所用
一头大象对一只小老鼠说：“你无疑是我见过的最小、最没用的东西。”
“请再说一遍，让我把它记下来。”老鼠说。“我要讲给我认识的一只跳蚤听。
Too Fast or Too Slow
A man was driving at 130 miles an hour when a policeman overtook him.
"Was I driving too fast,officer?"the man asked.
"NO,"the policeman answered,"You were flying too slow."
太慢或太快
一个男人正在以130英里每小时的速度行驶，当一个警察看见他时，
他问：“我开的太快了吗？警官。”
“不”，警察说，“你飞的太慢了。”
Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”
Nest and Hair
My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.
"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.
"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .
"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "
Notes:
(1) inform v.告诉
(2) nest n.窝；巢
(3) description n.描述
(4) encourage v.鼓励
(5) resemble v. 相似；类似
18.鸟窝与头发
我姐姐是一位小学老师。一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外 的树上垒了个窝。
“是什么鸟呢？”我姐姐问她。
“我没看到鸟儿，老师，只看到鸟窝。”那孩子回答说。
“那么，你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗？”我姐姐鼓励她道。
“哦，老师，就像你的头发一样。”
I've Just Bitten My Tongue
"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"
"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "
Notes:
(1) poisonous adj.有毒的
(2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因为我刚咬了自己的舌头。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的缩略形式。
我刚咬破自己的舌头
“我们有毒吗？”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。
“是的，亲爱的，”她回答说，“你问这个干什么？”
“因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。”
A Woman Who Fell
It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"
摔倒的女人
上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车。接近门口，一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来，没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚，仰面滑倒了。她的惯性使她接近了我的脚。我正准备扶她，她却自己爬了起来。她镇定了一下，对我挤了一下眉，说道：“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗？”
英语笑话（一）
Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?
A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.
猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧？
Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?
A: By treading on his corn?
如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定会生气的；而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼，他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“鸡眼”的意思。
Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?
A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.
因为snail（蜗牛）的后背上总是背着一所房子，所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢？
Q: What do people do in a clock factory?
A: They make faces all day.
一看到make faces这个短语，你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀！因为除了这个意思以外，它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。
Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?
A: Keep him awake.
怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk in his sleep）呢？最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法，但如果让梦游者醒着呢，他的确就不会去梦游了。
英语笑话（二）
He is really somebody
-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.
他真是一个大人物
-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。
-- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的？
-- 墓地守墓人。
英语笑话（三）
Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
它们是从美国直接带来的
一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。
这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。”
英语笑话（四）my little dog can't read
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
我的狗不识字
布朗夫人：哦，
亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！
史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！
布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”
英语笑话（五）Bring me the winner
-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
-- Well, bring me the winner then.
给我那个打赢的吧
-- 服务员，
这个龙虾只有一只爪。
-- 对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。
-- 哦， 那给我那个打赢的吧。
英语笑话（六）The mean man's party.
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"
吝啬鬼请客
一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。”
“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？”
“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不会空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。
A Useful Way
Father: Jack， why do you drink so much water?
Jack: I have just had an apple， Dad.
Father: What’s that got to do with it?
Jack: I forgot to wash the apple.
中文：
爸爸：杰克，你干嘛喝这么多水呀？
杰克：我刚才吃了个苹果，爸爸。
爸爸：可是这跟喝水有什么关系呢？
杰克：我忘了洗苹果呀。
双语幽默英语笑话
双语幽默英语笑话汇集
1、话说某年某月的某一天，叁个神箭手约在一起比箭，目标是十尺外仆人头上的苹果。
A神箭手挽弓长射，咻一声，利箭正中苹果。A高傲的昂起下巴，比出一根大拇指道：「I AM 后羿!」
B神箭手照本宣科，射中苹果，这回他自大的喊了一句：「I AM 丘比特!」
轮到C了，他也挽弓，利箭射出!结果正中仆人的心脏。就听他结结巴巴好久才吐出一句：「I...I...I...AM...SORRY...」
Note by Jodie: 此处用西班牙口音说Sorry肥更有趣
2、昨天来了个外国人，进到办公室，前台小姐左看右看，大家都在打游戏，只有自己比较清闲，就面带微笑的："Hello?"
外国人："Hi."
前台小姐："You have what thing?"(你有什么事?)
外国人："Can you speak English?"(你会讲英语吗)
前台小姐："If I not speak English， I am speaking what?"(如果我不会说，那我现在说的什么)
外国人："Can anybody else speak English? "(还有谁能讲英语吗)
前台小姐："You yourself look. all people are playing，no people have time， you can wait， you wait， you not wait， you go."(你自己看看，所有人都在玩呢，都没空，你愿意等就等，不愿意就走你)
外国人：I want to ask about online shopping.(我想咨询下关于网上购物的事情)
前台小姐:Online shopping?is Use Internet shopping，You de understand?(网上购物?就是用上网购物，你的明白?)
外国人：。。。。。
前台小姐：you can baidu“top leader”!!你可以去百度“尚品领袖”
外国人：。。。。"Good heavens. anybody here can speak English?"(我的上帝，这儿有谁会说英语吗?) I want to speak to your head."(我想和你的领导谈谈)
前台小姐："Head not zai.You tomorrow come."(头儿不在，你明天再来吧)
3、Bad news and good news 好消息和坏消息
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.
一名艺术家问画廊老板，最近有没有人对他展出的画感兴趣。
"I've got good news and bad news," owner replied.
“这有好消息和坏消息，”老板回答。
"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.
“好消息是有一位先生咨询你的作品，他想知道在你死后你的画会不会升值。
When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings.
我告诉他你的画会升值，他就把你的15幅画全都买走了。”
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed," What's the bad news?"
“真是太好了”，艺术家是喜形于色，“那坏消息是什么?”
With concern, the gallery owner replied,"The guy was your doctor."
带着关心的口吻，画廊老板回答，“买画的人是你的医生”。
4、女儿的来信
Joan and her neighbor are talking about their daughters, Joan says, my daughter is at the university.
She’s very bright, you know. Every time we get a letter from her we have to go to the dictionary.
Her neighbor says you are lucky every time we hear from our daughter we have to go to the bank.
Joan和她的邻居在一起聊天，聊到各自的女儿;Joan说我女儿在上大学。她很聪明，你知道的。每次我们接到她的来信，我们都要查字典。
她的邻居说，你真幸运!每次我们接到我女儿的信，我们都要去银行。
5、A New Mum took her baby daughter to the supermarket for the first time.
一个年轻的妈妈头一回带着她的宝贝女儿到超市买东西，
She dressed her in pink from head to toe.
她把小宝贝从头到脚穿上粉红色的衣服。
At the store, she placed her in the shopping cart and put her purchases around her.
在商场，她把小女孩放在购物车里，把买来的东西都推在孩子周围。
At the checkout line a small boy and his mother were ahead of them.
在付款台前排队时，一个小男孩和他妈妈正好排在她们前面。
The child was crying and begging for some special treat.
那个小男孩在哭，看上去在向他妈要着什么东西，年轻的妈妈想，
He wants some candy or gumand his mother won't let him have any, she thought.
这个小孩一定是要糖果或是口香糖之类的玩意儿，而他妈妈又不给，所以才闹得这么厉害。
Then she heard his mother's reply.
然而就在这个时候，她听到男孩的妈妈一边回答说，
"No!"she said, looking in her direction.
“不行，”一边往她的方向看过来，
"You may not have a baby sister today. That lady got the last one"
“你今天不能买一个小妹妹了，那位女士把最后一个买走了!”
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6、Mike:Mum,I want to watch TV.
Mum:There is no electricity tonight.
Mike:Then let's watch TVwith a candie on.
迈克：妈妈，我想看电视。
妈妈：今晚停电了。
迈克：那我们就点着蜡烛看吧。
7、Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了?”
“我给了一个可怜的`老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢?”
“她是个卖糖果的。”
8、Teacher: Here are two bird,one is a swallow,the other is a sparrow.Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I can't point out but i know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallowis beside the sparrow,and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
两只小鸟
老师：这里有两只小鸟，一只是燕子，另一只是麻雀，谁能告诉我们哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗?
学生：我不会分辨但我知道答案。
老师：那请你告诉我们。
学生：燕子旁边的是麻雀，麻雀旁边的是燕子。
9、A dog can play the piano 会弹钢琴的狗
A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"
The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"
The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink onthe house!"
So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing.
Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music.
Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out.
The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"
The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."
一个人带着他的狗走进一家酒吧。
酒吧服务生对他说，“这里不能带狗进来，请离开吧!”
那个人对服务生说，“这可不是一般的狗，它可是会弹钢琴的!”
服务生回答说，“呃，如果它真的能弹钢琴，你们可以免费在这喝上一杯!”
那个人把狗放到了弹钢琴坐的凳子上面，狗就开始了演奏，先是拉格泰姆音乐、接着弹莫扎特还有其它的… …服务生和顾客们都非常欣赏它的弹奏。
突然，一只体型更大的狗跑了进来，一把抓住小狗的脖子就把它拽出去了。
酒吧服务生问那个人，“那是怎么回事?”
那人回答，“噢，那是它妈妈。她不想它儿子玩音乐，而是做一名医生。”
10、Teacher: Would Shakespeare be a great man if he were still alive today?
Student: Of course. He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years.
老师：如果莎士比亚还活着，他会是一名伟人吗?
学生：当然。因为到目前为止，还没有人活到400多岁。
11、Mr. Smith: Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup.
Waiter: Yes, sir, I know---it's the heat that kills it.
史密斯先生：服务员，我的汤里有一只死苍蝇.
服务员：是的，先生，我知道了，它是被烫死的.
12、Son: Dad, give me a dime.
Father: Son, don't you think you're getting too big to be forever begging for dimes?
Son: I guess you're right, Dad, Give me a dollar, will you?
儿子：爸爸，给我一角钱。
父亲：儿子，你不认为你已经长大了，不该再老是一角一角地要钱了(该自立了)，不是吗?
儿子：爸爸，我想你是对的，那给我一块钱行吗?
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